I was too quick to forget that there are also men who dream of becoming great fathers, finding love, and providing for a family. We gathered in a car outside a fast food restaurant and talked. We asked each other questions about love, preferences, and women. I'm happy to know that I'm not really mysterious just that there is more to be said because I usually don't talk about myself. I can't remember exactly but one guy said that if we are able to continuously persevere and love our girlfriend in the hard times then you have been in love. Perhaps I didn’t women who are preparing their wombs for love and birth. Who desire a family just as much or more than a man. When I meet a woman I take interest in I think of what I could offer her besides love and affection. It’s a bad habit. For now a father I cannot be. I’ll need to dig deep and stack bricks before I sow any seeds. According to him I believe I have experienced love in my turbulent high school days. Short story was that I did something's I shouldn't have done but my heart always desired her above all. The fondest memory I have of her is when school was ending for winter break. I practiced lines to say to her a lot especially since I stutter. When I finally got the chance she was in the main lobby standing with her friends. I asked to talk to her, she agreed to let me speak, and I began talking. For some reason I closed my eyes and started speaking whatever came to mind. A lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication created a wedge between us and we weren't as close as before. I don't know how long I was talking but when I opened my eyes she looked surprised and probably didn't expect it. In 2010 I felt like I had forgiven her and myself, so I wrote something on her birthday. I don't think I'll send it to her, it's more of closure to the past. I did it all for love there's nothing shameful about it. Today, I am my own. All the fear, boredom, happiness, fun I experience it is all mine. Pros/Cons it may have, I grow unsure of where this boat is going. My biggest fear is that I haven't been able to resolve my regret about her. Again a nickname is appropriate so I'll call her Sarah. To a night I fell asleep with her on my mind. If only I could meet you in my dreams I would tell you everything. I could forgive myself.
Last night I laid down in bed. I still regret not being able to tell how I felt at that time. I imagined somehow that the class was cleared in the middle for only chairs for students to sit in. We sat in a circle discussing the movie shown to us in class. Before class dismisses the professor tells everyone to put the chairs with the desks against the walls of the room. I quickly threw my books to the ground and kicked the chair away. I rushed over to Sarah and grasped her hand before she could leave. Sarah turned around surprised at me, I let of her hand and quickly regained my posture. I stood and said “Can you stay after class? There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you though normally I couldn’t”. The professor plays a slow song and images show on the overhead projector. “I thought this would help set the mood. You have five minutes until the next class comes in. This is all I can do”. The professor picks up his briefcase and walks outside the classroom. I looked Sarah in her eyes and told her;
There’s a lot I want to tell you. I don’t know how much time I have, yet I want you to know this much. My name is Richard Brahms. I have a crush on you. Before I didn’t the confidence to tell you sooner. I would like to know if your single and if so can I get to know you better? For example, How old are you? What do you like? What do you want to do in life? There just basic things I want to know about. I want to know who you are, how you were as a kid, who you want to be in the future. Maybe we could take a walk around campus and talk. Casually meeting when we have time. On such a beautiful day it would be nice to see your smiling face. It would be like an afternoon in Paris. There things about myself I would like to tell you as well.
It would have been great if we were both single but I never found out. With what little time I would try my best to appeal to her. Making my words sound good and have a fork in the road ending. Either she decides she wants me or not. It’s just another time my insecurities got the better of me. How much I was holding myself back from achieving something. My chest’s simmering heat against the bed sheets, lying close to the edge of the bed. It’s clearer now the reason why things turned out as they are. Of what becomes of myself and she who shall sit beside me I wait, and wait…
