One night during autumn of last year I got really bored with being in my room. I felt stifled and disliked always being in the house. So around 10pm I had an idea to sit outside and listen to music. I took a fold able chair, mp3 player, earphones and sat in the front yard. Must admit it wasn't the safest thing I thought of, yet it didn't satisfy me. I wanted to vent and write to highlight this experience. I went back in and switched the chair for a wooden stool and placed it near my street side mailbox. I took a pen, paper, and a notebook. After awhile it felt better adjusted to being out there. More, more, something's missing I thought. How about I toss this stool back inside and take a stroll around the block I thought. That's exactly what I did. I was emotionally roused, kinda scared, and happy at the same time.
"The calm chill in the air makes my skin feel wet as if I'm sitting in a pool. I feel vulnerable as if I can be broken, tampered with or feel less than I swear I am. Like an animal in the wild at the presence of an unfamiliar creature. I feel my life laying as a shadow under the orange street lights. Actions, senses, cognition are the key to my survival. Walking no the faster than the quieting of my footsteps, slower than the sounds that lurk around me. The thoughts of killers, thieves lying in wait ready to pounce. The empty bench cloaked in darkness serves as a trap. You don't sit in these sort of situations you get out as soon as possible. The broken fence I sat on with friends is replaced with a 6-inch wooden one standing grand from the street till deep inside the apartment complex. I don't know if I'll go home now the view of looking on the streets is so nostalgic. I use to play out my juvenile days here with friends. Perhaps it's the little things accumulating that make a difference. What will we do when big things change? Can we adapt before we are overcome? Thankfully I have escaped attack but there is a silent thunder to the North. There are no stars to ask directions tonight. I feel a chill rest in my bones. I've been exposed too long. After reaching home safely do I have a silent victory before my nightly prayers?"
It was an amazing night, I don't recommend it though. I wasn't rationally thinking. In the latter days I read about how heightened emotions might be confused with other intense emotions which helped me understand something. ( Read from "The Art of Choosing" book). I was mainly playing love songs really loud during my stroll and I've walked around at night without this level of anxiety.
