A transient gesture

Let's say it is still winter.

It gives reason to be true blue.

An excuse to warm up to those

darn feelings that clothe just right.

Fall off my feet, softly sleeping at noon,

and being fed soup in bed.

To call the name of a affectionate person

isn't bad at all.

My bones are feeling cold I want someone

to help me warm up.

We are snowed in babe so stay for awhile.

I’m freezing in the harsh winds.

I’m lost in condensation that camouflages

with this delicate scenery.

This season could there be a me without you?

Let’s play a slow song as we warm up near the fireplace.

If you leave the fireplace will be too hot for me alone.

My lips will crack becoming ugly and painful to touch.

Would you please stay longer?

At my side until the end.

A Table for Two

I was too quick to forget that there are also men who dream of becoming great fathers, finding love, and providing for a family. We gathered in a car outside a fast food restaurant and talked. We asked each other questions about love, preferences, and women. I'm happy to know that I'm not really mysterious just that there is more to be said because I usually don't talk about myself. I can't remember exactly but one guy said that if we are able to continuously persevere and love our girlfriend in the hard times then you have been in love. Perhaps I didn’t women who are preparing their wombs for love and birth. Who desire a family just as much or more than a man. When I meet a woman I take interest in I think of what I could offer her besides love and affection. It’s a bad habit. For now a father I cannot be. I’ll need to dig deep and stack bricks before I sow any seeds. According to him I believe I have experienced love in my turbulent high school days. Short story was that I did something's I shouldn't have done but my heart always desired her above all. The fondest memory I have of her is when school was ending for winter break. I practiced lines to say to her a lot especially since I stutter. When I finally got the chance she was in the main lobby standing with her friends. I asked to talk to her, she agreed to let me speak, and I began talking. For some reason I closed my eyes and started speaking whatever came to mind. A lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication created a wedge between us and we weren't as close as before. I don't know how long I was talking but when I opened my eyes she looked surprised and probably didn't expect it. In 2010 I felt like I had forgiven her and myself, so I wrote something on her birthday. I don't think I'll send it to her, it's more of closure to the past. I did it all for love there's nothing shameful about it. Today, I am my own. All the fear, boredom, happiness, fun I experience it is all mine. Pros/Cons it may have, I grow unsure of where this boat is going. My biggest fear is that I haven't been able to resolve my regret about her. Again a nickname is appropriate so I'll call her Sarah. To a night I fell asleep with her on my mind. If only I could meet you in my dreams I would tell you everything. I could forgive myself.

Last night I laid down in bed. I still regret not being able to tell how I felt at that time. I imagined somehow that the class was cleared in the middle for only chairs for students to sit in. We sat in a circle discussing the movie shown to us in class. Before class dismisses the professor tells everyone to put the chairs with the desks against the walls of the room.  I quickly threw my books to the ground and kicked the chair away. I rushed over to Sarah and grasped her hand before she could leave. Sarah turned around surprised at me, I let of her hand and quickly regained my posture. I stood and said “Can you stay after class? There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you though normally I couldn’t”. The professor plays a slow song and images show on the overhead projector. “I thought this would help set the mood. You have five minutes until the next class comes in. This is all I can do”. The professor picks up his briefcase and walks outside the classroom. I looked Sarah in her eyes and told her;

There’s a lot I want to tell you. I don’t know how much time I have, yet I want you to know this much. My name is Richard Brahms. I have a crush on you. Before I didn’t the confidence to tell you sooner. I would like to know if your single and if so can I get to know you better? For example, How old are you? What do you like? What do you want to do in life? There just basic things I want to know about. I want to know who you are, how you were as a kid, who you want to be in the future. Maybe we could take a walk around campus and talk. Casually meeting when we have time. On such a beautiful day it would be nice to see your smiling face. It would be like an afternoon in Paris. There things about myself I would like to tell you as well.

It would have been great if we were both single but I never found out. With what little time I would try my best to appeal to her. Making my words sound good and have a fork in the road ending. Either she decides she wants me or not. It’s just another time my insecurities got the better of me. How much I was holding myself back from achieving something. My chest’s simmering heat against the bed sheets, lying close to the edge of the bed. It’s clearer now the reason why things turned out as they are. Of what becomes of myself and she who shall sit beside me I wait, and wait…

The Path along the River

I stood idle and unaware
of what was around me.
I thought of what I would do
if I was still my former self.
A series of inner shifts I can
count around six total.
Seems pretty stable for the
seventeen years of life I can recall.
But I never planned for such
at all.
To change my direction in life
was not the goal.
I wonder where or who I will
be in the next twenty-two years.
A great many things I know.
"Follow the straight and
narrow rivers.
They will provide you water and
meat to eat.
Follow the words of your parents
and your days shall be plenty".
Yet, there are days I don't want
my mother's hugs and a want for my own
strength.
To climb atop a high rock and
show off my chest hair.
To live with the wolves and go against
their teachings.
To fall, escape, and live for me.
But I cannot afford to live foolishly now.
The rapids downstream are unruly,
the forest yields no exits.
Will I reach the height of my ability
before I fall into decline?
Will there be something left for
others or nothing at all?
Will my fellowship scatter to the winds or
beheld tightly to my chest?
The answers are never clear.
I remember "rivers into lakes and
lakes into oceans".
Something big is being created from
the small deeds.
From each stage in life there is more to
live for and see.
How or when I get there is unknown but
its just a matter of time.

Where are we?

Since chocolate truffles fall,
there will be something sweet to eat.
A warm shoulder to lean on.
A piece of hope in terrible times
made especially for you.
However for me, its been
over a year since
I planned my leave, but
I haven't set out a route or
destination in which Aurelia
will be waiting for me.
I could say:
Who is Aurelia?
Where is Aurelia, What do I
do from here on Aurelia?
I need your help.
I want you.
I wonder if I'm being selfish.
Something is interfering
after I sent the last letter.
I wish I was someone else.
I wish I was somewhere else.
Searching for the love of one
across a multicolored globe.
I fear we will become the past
and nothing more.
Today the snow fell early
and I was bathed in cold light.
As I sit, I remember the day
I watched the sunset.
I just stood and watched
as the shadows were
stretching across the street.
One more time, one more chance
I swear I'll get it right!
Let me get back on my feet.
I'll make it one day.
I'll try my hardest
to smile and remember
the words you told me.

Lucky I’m fancy with my glass :)

I’ll post “Where are we?” today. I’ll post this one ahead of schedule. I was drinking White Zinfandel(a Barefoot wine) and watching an emotional movie. I wanted to post this with something else but it seemed like the right time. I felt insecurities accumulating in my chest. Also any suggestions on classical music by any chance? I’ve heard from Holst, Brahms, Claude Debussy to name a few, but is there any thing you like? Leave a comment please I would like to know.

Trademark

I sometimes tire to see a woman's smile.
It is not for I cannot see or
understand such profound beauty.
Yet that I wish to see more of who
you are through a variety of expressions.
Knowing there is more
than my eyes can see.
Something below the
surface that gives rise.
Perhaps a thought
or feeling that comes from
a myriad of selection floating up like
a bubble.
But I will never hate your smiling
face you are so frequent to show.
It's just a delightful topic to ponder,
the mystery of you.

Lady who art thou

Yesterday I saw a woman standing alone on a pier. It started off nicely, a way of seeing the world outside myself. Last week was very stressful and I saw a side of myself I didn’t expect.

I had a conversation with an old friend about past relationships. We were at a restaurant catching up on old times. She told me how her boyfriend recently left her. I asked her how does it feel to lose your virginity to someone you love. She said “it feels as if you’re one with that person. He left me but I can still feel his touch and how he use to hold me.” After hearing that I felt devoid. I couldn’t compare or comprehend the emotion of which she spoke. The form of intimacy where my lover and I evolve into something more. The more I thought on it the more fearful I became of saying I was a jilted lover whose memories are fading over time. A few days after meeting her, those thoughts kept plaguing my mind till I couldn’t keep my usual attitude. At home I sat silently to collect myself near my computer desk. The impulsive urge to strike the computer speaker kept adrenaline running. Never before has this happened to me. The whole ordeal caught me off guard and I was feeling exhausted. Suddenly! my mind went blank from burnout. The impulse took its chance to unleash the rage surging in my veins and in an instant I was standing up looking at the ground. As I stood I kept hearing a thud sound near the computer. My left elbow arched and hand near my pocket. I stood on my left foot and pressing on my right toes. My right arm looked as if it was coming out of a jab into a straight punch. I stayed there motionless. I had regained the ability to think but I didn’t know what to do next. With a ration of aggression in my hand I punched the closest door. The speaker was dangling centimeters from the floor. A cord connecting it to an identical speaker was pulled latching onto the monitor’s neck and base. Finally I rearranged the computer speakers, pushed the computer chair away, and sat on the floor. That day I couldn’t name my vices, but I knew they were with me.

To find another obsession to occupy my time or see a woman of magnificent beauty would be a perk of such a good spring day. On many levels she interested me. I sat on the benches near the volleyball courts. It was a familiar scenery yet relaxing as I recognized a lot of buildings. I departed early in the morning to the bus stop. Sitting down on the black metal bench, waited while listening to music. She stood still wearing a light colored dress with designs scattered throughout. She appeared unsettled which was unclear to me. I had began thinking of reasons why she would be out here. A compelling force was pulling on my curiosity. After waiting on the bus stop a bus came. I boarded the bus, swiped my pass, and found a seat. The bus route goes to the train station from there I would board a train to Garten Pavolon waterfront. Was she waiting for her husband? If he was a sailor out at sea who left her home alone I can understand. Or a close relative coming from a foreign country? Is she  continuously throwing spare change into the bay to make wishes?  The bus arrived at the station entrance and halted as people left the seats towards the building. I quickly entered the building, swiped my pass, and go on the escalator to the second floor where the train tracks are. As I found an open space in the middle of the platform and kneeled down. What is there to wait for all alone? If she was mine, she would the lighthouse that guides me home. A guiding light for my ship as it returns after a long voyage. The waves will tear away at the shore, winds will howl and frighten, but she stands unshaken. A strong woman yet jumps into my arms when I walk through the front door of our house. I’ll hold her close to my heart. I am her shield. The train heading to Garten Pavolon comes and I get on. Inside its like being in a camera with the windows as lens on a horizontal angle. The environment outside was just still pictures that speed up then slow down. However adventure might be, I would rather be a houseman.  Get up for work, clock in and clock out, then come home to my wife and meal. The simple life at best. Hahaha! But my life is a bittersweet fruit so these thoughts can be my building blocks for tomorrow. After a few stops I arrived at Garten Pavolon station. I exited the train and ran to the elevator before the door closes. On the first floor I swiped my pass then left out to the street.  I walked and thought of a place to observe a lot of people. So I walked a couple blocks south until the sidewalks turned into sand. I climbed to the 5th row of seats on the bleachers and sat undisturbed. The lady on the pier waits patiently. An undeniable presence of admiration and gorgeous profile. What or who she is waiting for I don't know, but I can squeeze my feet into her shoes. By doing this she inspires me. I wish to give her hope. I want to know her and end her search. To be the one she desires above all. So I’ll wait beside her until our wishes come true.