Departures and Obscure Affection

 

"You descended from me in autumn, so stay reborn a figure of love in spring. if only this tree survives the seasons I know, you were always by my side and our love flourished."

"See/Saw"

Playing on a seesaw your image comes into view and vanishes in cycles. As if my heart was the very ride we sat on, beating the ground and collapsing under pressure. I can it feel it more accurately bulging with blood up and down with each breath. On my knees you are raised to a level close to the sun. For just a second your image becomes my world because your my lost savior. Without words I devote myself to following you. At such a low position your eyes seeing far ignore me. As you begin condescending I sense a cold aurora and search your vacant eyes for a picture of me. With such beauty and grace my unrequited love is left without answer yet I yearn for the lying words that sound sweet. I see an entity emit a flirtatious bubble, I saw myself as that person once. I saw you in affectionate memories, I see you creating a divide between us. As I rise and reverse the place with you in the air I can see the other side has disappeared from sight and feathers spread out from behind me. It feels warmer here as if embraced in a hug. The sites beyond the trees are insight and the expanded landscape looks stitched together with yarn into a quilt. My descent begins from above the trees passing the branches and into leaves. The impact congests my left artery spraying like a water fountain coating trees in red. I see that leaves rotting at an accelerated pace outside of natures perfect circle, they no longer died in elegance but in disgust. I saw you flirting with others and tasting
their lips leaving a cherry flavor as your signature. No longer at your side we play a childish game which I believe is only to pass time. Exchanging locations once again I believe we see the different dream above the trees, we saw something same in contrast patterns. With all this knowledge it adds up slowly repeating each push and cascade they gather. Still I admire the look of my eyes and buried bracelet. Very rarely in the continuous motion I have the chance to truly accept the maroon scent of loneliness. I saw your heartbroken figure in the prairie, I see our flowers bloom out of season. I saw how the graveyard was once our garden, and this seesaw as our last scene sharing your presence.

"Silent on Stairs"

It feels weird doing this after so long like my memories run away from me as I try to recall who you were to me. Your name is there missing the link of conversation that occurred so naturally. As if opening my mouth for a breath it was so easy to respond and start digital messages. Its become like I arrive over and over at your door and the doorbell is gone. The heavy chest as I walk up each step adds pounds and now its just quick glances as I carry on. My beloved repeated songs are replaced with something else, I lose the words and alone they become scrambled. I feel that since leaving your arm that served as my branch I could grow stronger and grow up with each flap of my wings and return to thank you. Yet I miscalculated the possibility of losing my reason of doing this so it becomes meaningless. With this strength who do I wish to protect? The memory of the white dream is hidden in fields of sand. In this place I could try to rediscover it all from scratch yet I feel this sadistic reality is filled with sarcasm and failed deus ex machinas. If I put my letter in your mailbox I hope it brings you outside before winter. I view your tears like leaves during autumn. Maybe I can show you that even in sadness how beautiful you are. For I learn things that repeat sometimes need an ending and new beginning. I think this is the moral of this ending chapter, a new innovation, movement, meaning, or species to find could be the meaning of my journey.with this much extensive thinking it fades in comparison of how hard it is to talk to you. Sitting by the door I'm surrounded by dust. My moving shadow signals the day is closing and time is working. On my lonely walk home I purposely leave my Zune off because the song I would enjoy most has no flashy beat just simple words.

Boku Kaishuu 5(boku o kizu-tsuketa)

"LIFE SEARCH SURVEY"
In this embrace our reasons become loveless. Not even pleasant actions can make it prettier. This world is just a snow globe filled with ornaments. With a strong bond it feels as if we'll meet. This constant spinning yet attached to gravel. As i throw paper airplanes they end up in a pile on the other side of the fence. My expiration date after birth I'm glad I don't but before it happens what will I do with my life? I thought you knew of some part-time job or great drinks to try as I wait for the answer. You always pace around the room in confusion while I'm in the bathroom ignoring you. A sunshine after a rainstorm is like getting my hair done for work. This time with you makes it all seem clearer as you watch me leave for work. Not a lot of things I know, do, say, listen to are meaningful but i live to protect what is most important. In this I may find a purpose and a career to pursue. The DNA of my skin and race irate me its like being dirtied with negative words and actions that categorize me without my permission. I wonder if I should make that my life's mission, become a scientist and start myself as a new race and reproduce with selected women, nothing serious but just plain sexual entertainment. Surely Dolly was at this place in life a couple years ago. I found her old queen sized bed in the alley when I dumped my old twin sized bed. Dolly never told me why but I am starting to understand. I can't feel up the empty when I'm half full, I lack the backup plan,when the mainframe fails.

"SUIMIN'YAKU"

みてください
いってくだし
もういちどください
かいてください。またよるわたしわはねむらないで、かなしいですよ

Wavering in chairs the energy for twisted thoughts to write about are low. I swallow 2 nickels and teaspoon of mercury. A song similar to what I would write fills my room with musical instruments as my room turns into karaoke with me singing. My trash can state of mind is being emptied with foreign words as the bass aligns with the symbols and guitar lead takes the song into a solo. As the music continues look at me, say it, repeat it with me. The walls are rearranged and we are split up. Repositioned killing increased my sins as dead bugs lay around me. Is this the color my sins created and blended together? The song changes and I'm confessing the murder of insect nephews, moms, cousins, and dads leaving evidence for the final moment of surrender. The sins outweigh good deeds and my body is dyed to black. Falling into a trap door I'm formally dressed with a woman in hand. A last waltz under a chandelier with you tonight is growing and further is my desperation for an answer. For you I'll give my all, by this hymn night slowly sways for two strangers. Soon a hymn is silent as I search for a way out a bottle. If I shake will it break? If I climb will I fall? Questions float as my vision is fleeting, lungs starve soon I feel nothing. An unknown location I am floating and limbs animated with string posed abnormally. The puppet thought of this as dust became thick and piled. Reuse me my purpose is not yet achieved my warranty is renewable as myself. Illusions play and my insides erode.
"Contact"
Where should we go? I ask as if I was talking to someone else. The wind blows pushing my hair dressing my animated shadow. Loneliness is attached to me, a friend I'm use to entertaining and hating for hours. An interruption in sleep as my bed is covered with dust. What promises did I make to lost loves? Hating me as everything was probably forfeited when our decisions differed and thought of each other as scum. The words don't always come to mind and I wish to remember you with feelings. The greater the feeling your revival in my life will never end. Cells releasing fluid threw veins fetch your forgotten smiles and picture less laughter. I will always remember you in audio less bliss. Distancing eyes search for where you are on this large aquarium planet.I could love you standing across the street, peeking through trees your face is shown. Your mean as I dream of you my mind creates static. Our meeting was random and stitched into my DNA as words became a fetus. Growing inside me it was something I wanted to protect always. I can finally root and cheer for you feeling less pain from memories buried. I saw you in many paintings and they show me what you exactly meant. My super heroine, friend, attractive person, person of a which I kept a silent love hide in my pocket. Looking up and gazing upon an open scenery do you wish to see me? Are you missing me? These words I never want to tell you for fear of hurting what was made. So I'll slip note after note with a hint i want you to catch.surely we both are clothed in mystery and secrets never shared, which I find attractive. I touch the fetus as it ages it becomes beautiful. In this changing world I pray for you, never forget this egg and your ability to fly. The cellular egg shall become a place I hide to remember submerged in precious memories. Whether the phone call was answered or not never have I regretted trying.

"Koubashii Basho de"

Walking along a dirt path our imagination transforms the scenery, with Claire softly holding hands. Wind whispering our theme as we walk, overused fancy phrases stir up childish smiles dipping them into paint placed on the path we walk. I feel reborn laughing this much its hard to stand. What games shall we play to waste time? Seeing you this way is too rare I want capture your image forever with eyes in which you are true beauty, in a wooden frame at my bedside. Displaced sheets, small apartment on the 4th floor, a compact place to keep my love close, a place to be happy. Wind smells sweet erasing our separate scents into one. Our destiny continues as 2 produce 1 seed placed in a vine swing. Set upon the child's wrist is a charm in which "Irogoto no Ko"is written. I embrace this child for we both raise and love its presence encased in a hug we 3 become closer. The song I sing resounds and a chorus is heard away in a distance. The surrounding is familiar as memories of our first meeting show before me. My hair has grown longer and the baby in my arms is now a mature man standing behind me. My dear Claire's beauty is untouched but has aged and looking into her eyes my image is reflected. Time has aged us Claire our walk together is ending, yet I wish for it to repeat. My selfish thinking is stopped as I look upon my son. My life will end yet live on in the memories and precious moments spent with my son on this journey. We share our last loved words and hugs with our son. Claire and I carve our names in a tree and join together sharing a kissing embrace vanishing slowly in beautiful air.

Hey....

I was listening to Death Cab for Cutie songs and I got in the writing mood. I remember listening to "My Mirror Speaks" and "A Diamond and A Tether" when I was hungover about not being able to talk to this girl in my previous class. Ahh! She was a beauty that girl. But tonight I first listened to "Marching Bands of Manhattan" then I listened to "Someday You Will Be Loved". The combination quenched the yearning feeling inside me so I was really uplifted by it. So I started to think and words came to my mind. This is what came out:


He stood there unshaken as a heartbroken girl cried. With sympathy he spoke to her before he left. "Not me but someone else will love you. You'll place your heart in his hands as he gives you his word. You'll decorate the house with memories and pictures as the years lengthen. The cradle will rock and cry but he will answer in your stead. And by his side you shall lay to perish. Not today, but someday you will be loved."

The soft touch of Morning

I stayed awake that night to see the sunrise.  "Rest baby, it's been a long day" I told my darling as she fell asleep in the midnight hour.  Outside the sky was an opaque blue, sunlight beaming into my window, and puffy clouds.  I had a lot of questions and words to say but...I kept them for kind ears. I felt a sense of peace gazing deeper into the serene sky. So I returned to bed where my beloved slept and laid down by her tender side.

Possibilities and Proximity

In recurring themes, 
a slice of life story,
an afternoon drama.
Life continues on without stopping.
An important part of my life 
is mirrored by actors on a stage.
They don't know me or what will,
has, or yet to come in my life.
It's the similarities overlapping.
Bonds that grow and wither.
The many abstract and concrete ideals
too easily cease without knowing. 
At times I wonder who is still untainted
after being bathed in an hourglass.  
In between many paths and feelings
I search for a direction or meaning.
Regrets, forgotten promises, precious things.
Such introspection has a bittersweet taste.
When I think back deeply it 
brings tears to my eyes, even more
painful if I can not find the words 
to express myself. 
I wonder what’s out there. 
What's beyond the horizon? 
Whatever it may be will bring forth my 
future. 
I’ll know its answer when it sets
behind stretching my shadow. 
Your presence will become an undying legend.
As I pass by others your place will 
be fixated overhead. So when I lay down, 
fainting, or dream you will be 
the lightning reaching down from the heavens.
Dearest, you are that and more. 

Tonight’s the night for a Cowboy

The atmosphere was thick, unmistakably the the scent of merry flirtatious couples. The fragrance made by lips lubricated by a tongue was the spark to a fuse.  With each intimate embrace I could predict where this was going. They were like two  intertwined hands, every movement brought them closer, caressing the other’s flesh with a soft touch.  As the atmosphere got more humid, they would glide and grab for more than just the boney fingers.  As the intimate motions elevated and the sitting furniture could not contain them I knew my time here was done.  I realized there is nothing here for me, nothing to gain.  Is there a place for he who has not been given roses?  I gathered  my coat and belongings in silence. I was the unneeded spare tire, outcast, and background character.  If I stay, I would be the anchor blocking them from achieving further goals.  That would ruin my reputation of which I wouldn’t want against me.  The audience did not have eyes for me.  My solitaire seat at the card table pressing buttons on a laptop.  I walked to the front door, peeked through the blinds.  It was raining or drizzling I couldn’t tell.  I stepped to the door and turned the knob.  I thought “Tonight’s the night for a Cowboy”.  I thought it was really cool, like the words of a leader rallying supporters.  I was the lone wolf out to make a change. Power in struggling legs that crack and give under pressure.  Raise with the strenght of a thousand men.  I only had the ambition of embracing in my loneliness, the sensation of crunching deeply into a fruit gushing with flavor with the juices dripping down my neck.  I exited and left into the night,deserted night life of flashing cars. I crossed the rainy streets towards home. The pavement swallowed all it could, the open mouth drains gobbling more, water inches deep slide across my path. I finally got to a side street void of passing cars. I pulled out a bottle of liquor I stashed away. I twisted off the cap, seductively licked the rim. I putt the bottle to my lips and drank feeling proud, lost, unsure, and confused.  My victory was minor I haven’t conquered  the main problem.  I’ve grown but limited, I’m still facing something that causes me downfall.  Am I in control or falling under? Is it normal to feel like this?  Am I developing into success?  I pondered many thoughts walking in a rectangular pattern between two puddles.   Who am I becoming?  It’s just my time…to feel the blues.

Quotes 3

"You might think we will reign over everything with OZ's many Mobile Suits. To rule is to control. It might seem arrogant. However, I think that we 
need a government to control our human greed. God left humanity to itself. Humanity needs a man beyond God. Even God couldn't predict that we can 
never stop warring among ourselves. So, it will be understood by God that our actions are right." 
(Treize Khushrenada from Gundam Wing)


"All men…are NOT created equal! Some are born smarter, or more beautiful, or with parents of greater status. Some, by contrast, are born weak of body or mind, or with few, if any, talents. All men are different! Yes, the very existence of man is discriminatory! That's why there is war, violence and unrest. Inequality is not evil. Equality is! What became of the EU, who claimed that all are equal? It is in constant conflict because its tenets go against human nature! The Middle Eastern Federation, which harbors similar sentiments, is constantly mired with sloths! But our Britannia is not like them! We put an end to wars and evolve with every conquest! Britannia alone looks forward and moves forward to a better future! The death of my son Clovis is yet more proof that our empire is evolving. Fight! For the future rests in the hands of its ruler! ALL HAIL BRITANNIA!!!!!" (Emperor Charles di Brittania)


"Possibly humans can exist without actually having to fight. But, many of us have chosen to fight. For what reason? To protect something? Protect what? Ourselves? The future? If we kill people to protect ourselves and this future then what sort of future is it and what will we have become? There is no future for those who have died. And what of those who did the killing? Is happiness to be found in a future that is grasped with blood stained hands? Is that the truth?."
Lacus Clyne (Gundam SEED)


"Wake up! Don't be afraid of knowledge! Humans who lose the capacity to think become creatures whose existance has no value. Think, you humans who are split into two worlds... unless you want the gulf between humans to expand into oblivion, you must Think!."
Schwarzwald (The Big O)


"People like us aren't qualified to be involved in a dramatic incident such as a suicide. No matter how depressed you are or how much pain you're in, you have to return to your routine, daily life. Even if you don't come back, you'll just end up dying in vain. A dramatic death isn't befitting of us."
Yamazaki Kaoru (Welcome to the N.H.K. )


"I like not only to be loved, but to be told I am loved."
~George Eliot


"There will come a time when you believe everything is finished. That will be the beginning."
~ Louis L'Amour


"Two terms that fascinated me during this period were "casual" and "once in a life time." The idea of having someone occupy a deep, significant part of our memory, but never being able to see them again...Once I began thinking about this, I became absorbed in a kind of sorrow and hopelessness that I couldn't find the words to express."
Shinji Kajio


"Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it. 
Catwoman: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it."
~Batman Returns


"Lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek...
There's nobody here, it's just you and me, it's where I wanna be...
But I hardly know this beauty by my side...
I'll never forget, the way you look tonight..."


Mattias of IdolRetouch