Lucky I’m fancy with my glass :)

I’ll post “Where are we?” today. I’ll post this one ahead of schedule. I was drinking White Zinfandel(a Barefoot wine) and watching an emotional movie. I wanted to post this with something else but it seemed like the right time. I felt insecurities accumulating in my chest. Also any suggestions on classical music by any chance? I’ve heard from Holst, Brahms, Claude Debussy to name a few, but is there any thing you like? Leave a comment please I would like to know.

Trademark

I sometimes tire to see a woman's smile.
It is not for I cannot see or
understand such profound beauty.
Yet that I wish to see more of who
you are through a variety of expressions.
Knowing there is more
than my eyes can see.
Something below the
surface that gives rise.
Perhaps a thought
or feeling that comes from
a myriad of selection floating up like
a bubble.
But I will never hate your smiling
face you are so frequent to show.
It's just a delightful topic to ponder,
the mystery of you.

Lady who art thou

Yesterday I saw a woman standing alone on a pier. It started off nicely, a way of seeing the world outside myself. Last week was very stressful and I saw a side of myself I didn’t expect.

I had a conversation with an old friend about past relationships. We were at a restaurant catching up on old times. She told me how her boyfriend recently left her. I asked her how does it feel to lose your virginity to someone you love. She said “it feels as if you’re one with that person. He left me but I can still feel his touch and how he use to hold me.” After hearing that I felt devoid. I couldn’t compare or comprehend the emotion of which she spoke. The form of intimacy where my lover and I evolve into something more. The more I thought on it the more fearful I became of saying I was a jilted lover whose memories are fading over time. A few days after meeting her, those thoughts kept plaguing my mind till I couldn’t keep my usual attitude. At home I sat silently to collect myself near my computer desk. The impulsive urge to strike the computer speaker kept adrenaline running. Never before has this happened to me. The whole ordeal caught me off guard and I was feeling exhausted. Suddenly! my mind went blank from burnout. The impulse took its chance to unleash the rage surging in my veins and in an instant I was standing up looking at the ground. As I stood I kept hearing a thud sound near the computer. My left elbow arched and hand near my pocket. I stood on my left foot and pressing on my right toes. My right arm looked as if it was coming out of a jab into a straight punch. I stayed there motionless. I had regained the ability to think but I didn’t know what to do next. With a ration of aggression in my hand I punched the closest door. The speaker was dangling centimeters from the floor. A cord connecting it to an identical speaker was pulled latching onto the monitor’s neck and base. Finally I rearranged the computer speakers, pushed the computer chair away, and sat on the floor. That day I couldn’t name my vices, but I knew they were with me.

To find another obsession to occupy my time or see a woman of magnificent beauty would be a perk of such a good spring day. On many levels she interested me. I sat on the benches near the volleyball courts. It was a familiar scenery yet relaxing as I recognized a lot of buildings. I departed early in the morning to the bus stop. Sitting down on the black metal bench, waited while listening to music. She stood still wearing a light colored dress with designs scattered throughout. She appeared unsettled which was unclear to me. I had began thinking of reasons why she would be out here. A compelling force was pulling on my curiosity. After waiting on the bus stop a bus came. I boarded the bus, swiped my pass, and found a seat. The bus route goes to the train station from there I would board a train to Garten Pavolon waterfront. Was she waiting for her husband? If he was a sailor out at sea who left her home alone I can understand. Or a close relative coming from a foreign country? Is she  continuously throwing spare change into the bay to make wishes?  The bus arrived at the station entrance and halted as people left the seats towards the building. I quickly entered the building, swiped my pass, and go on the escalator to the second floor where the train tracks are. As I found an open space in the middle of the platform and kneeled down. What is there to wait for all alone? If she was mine, she would the lighthouse that guides me home. A guiding light for my ship as it returns after a long voyage. The waves will tear away at the shore, winds will howl and frighten, but she stands unshaken. A strong woman yet jumps into my arms when I walk through the front door of our house. I’ll hold her close to my heart. I am her shield. The train heading to Garten Pavolon comes and I get on. Inside its like being in a camera with the windows as lens on a horizontal angle. The environment outside was just still pictures that speed up then slow down. However adventure might be, I would rather be a houseman.  Get up for work, clock in and clock out, then come home to my wife and meal. The simple life at best. Hahaha! But my life is a bittersweet fruit so these thoughts can be my building blocks for tomorrow. After a few stops I arrived at Garten Pavolon station. I exited the train and ran to the elevator before the door closes. On the first floor I swiped my pass then left out to the street.  I walked and thought of a place to observe a lot of people. So I walked a couple blocks south until the sidewalks turned into sand. I climbed to the 5th row of seats on the bleachers and sat undisturbed. The lady on the pier waits patiently. An undeniable presence of admiration and gorgeous profile. What or who she is waiting for I don't know, but I can squeeze my feet into her shoes. By doing this she inspires me. I wish to give her hope. I want to know her and end her search. To be the one she desires above all. So I’ll wait beside her until our wishes come true.

Die schönsten Augen waren die ehrlichen.

I had started today out good. Kept lying in bed after I woke up. it was very refreshing. Let prince out of the room to get something to eat. Prince kept meowing and staring at me while he stood in front of my room door. I finally got up and visited an old classmates' profile on the computer. I had did the same before when I was wondering how an ex-girlfriend of mine was doing nowadays. From what I could see she has been prosperous these days. I kept seeing her on the metro as I waited for a bus home. She would wait for a ride. I thought of her, people I've met, my life's biggest moments one night I laid awake in bed. I called the recollection "My new picture" to represent a new chapter in my life. I'm trying to grow more consistent in activities like learning Japanese, practicing Nunchaku, and exercising on a constant basis. Each time I start to feel old, I tell myself “my life has just started”. It makes things seem less limited like I’m entering my prime. If things felt narrow it would make me feel sad. Knowing Japanese has been very fun and has proven helpful at my job. Due to my job, I haven’t been attending church for months. I’ve been reading “Tao of Jeet Kune Do” it’s a spectacular read. I haven’t learned any moves but it has changed how I think. For instance a cultural difference stated in the Zen section says “In Buddhism, there is no place for using effort. Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water and when you’re tired go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand”. It was kind of difficult to understand it from an American perspective. My friend said Tao was not about “becoming great but being great” and about the journey. I wish to read more about Taoism.  Today though I arrived at the metro station 15minutes to when work starts. On the way down the escalator I spotted another girl a had a crush on. I never talked to her like I hoped. I’ll nickname her Megane. Megane was first another man’s girl so I didn’t care much for her.  Sometime from then I heard Megane was single which was cool because she was good looking. However at that time I didn’t feel right within myself. I seriously doubted my ability to satisfy a woman, protect her or myself, and if I was someone she desired. I felt fearful to speak to women because I thought I would mess things up. Megane has a boyfriend now not that I care but I lamented about this as I boarded the train to work. For what did or did not happen I am becoming someone will not make the same mistakes at that time. By learning more, working, and exercising I hope to solve the major problems which plagued me most. Unfortunately it took another similar occurrence that drove me to my lowest to change to where I am now. Being like that is not what I envisioned in my future. I remember thinking the same phrase again on several occasions. First when I was drinking with a friend looking up at the night sky. The second time was walking home with my best friend. Another time I outside dancing in the front yard. “This is how I spend my youth”.

Short Confession（みじかいざんげ）

Originally the “Boku Kaishuu” series ended with 5 parts. This work was to symbolize the closing of a parade of my unrequited love which was “Boku Kaishuu”. From here forward I expanded my creativity, topics, and made improvements to writing. I never regretted blogging.

Unsatisfying Sample

Prototypes of a women who I could love, among the daydreams that collide with the daily routine. It felt as if they were real. Lingering on the edge of reality ideas wait for thoughts to find them. I mark the calendar and write a summary, today was unsuccessful carrying on like the rest. Add it among the pile and notes to reflect the pros and cons in a blog. This strategy didn’t work out, no one thought this was genuine, or add tweaks to this step. Yes! it seems very analytical and experimenting with each new concept. I thought back judged myself to people of the past and question what I’ve been doing all this time. I remembered someone’s words and believed myself I wish it were possible. I too, hypothetically would rather leave a woman when we still feel passion for one another. At which end to were I know I could no longer please her. For us to leave when our prime has yet to expire than drag an old corpse. Preserve whatever is left and depart knowing we did our best. Don’t feel remorse former courtesan, its just that our affair did not sustain us until death. Somehow along the way we discovered we were incompatible and from here we’ll reach out to others. We could leave our hearts burning with passion and not jilted in the hands of another.
Or in another way;
 a man and woman who do not claim the other are complete strangers who board a public bus to their separate destinations. I would glance outside the window and off the glass in my peripheral vision she sits. Because she is here I thought the Sun would set an hour earlier and take back more warmth. Do not fear I’m not the aggressive type, sometimes it is my weakness but I’m waiting for something to hit me. Is it a word, catchy phrases, action, thought, push, or resolution? I think my tongue has gone dry and can no longer speed up her breathing so now my eyes have taken its luster. I laugh about my shortcomings as the bus detours from its original route. I give up my masculine facade and procrastination kills the moment of possibility.  These thoughts outline an image, its not whole nor am I.

Wakarimashita

I don’t know you but somehow you’re familiar in past tense...
I begin to recklessly repeat these words but only "I miss You" is an echo which cannot be stopped.  This "you" I'm sure you have slowly slipped through my fingers as it gently fell without sound.  Only remnants remain I begin to question what these emotions doing there.  A fragile touch and stealthy appearance.  If in physical form I found you on a bus and entertained you mating calls?  I’m sure you'll leave as fast as you came.  If I spent the night with my body bloated with a euphoric liquid and you were there, I’m sure in the morning my vomiting would be your alarm clock. Holding my weak body guide me as my left eye sees fantasies and right eye on the incoming door.  Would it be great if i confess to you?if you think too compassionately not to hurt me will it be a lie? I feel myself growing closer to you, I want to keep this time as we are alone conversing.  You take the stage when daughters of strangers are absent,and I order my thoughts and jokes carefully.  A lonely status makes window shopping an entertaining yet painful time.  Beautiful daughters born of similar and older years are wonderful as looks melt my chest and expose my heart.  Jokingly "she just dropped my jaw and my heart fell out lol" slowly I forget her and the cycle continues.  If we met like this surely my behavior and appearance would annoy you. What’s the missing piece to a puzzle carefully solved, I sense it missing as if a wall was separating us.  A feeling that even hugs, friendly smiles, and good climate continues to stand against me popping the question.  Roses are red, violet is a shade of purple so were from 1-14 is your hint of blue?  My red scale on the graph is inconsistent while you fit perfectly at 7.  I withhold the option fill in the position of significant other to satisfy a sexual lust, you are precious to me and never want to harm due to a distracted mind. When I use to close my eyes I think I saw you,weird days even scary to me yet I remember it warmly.  In a time where years counted down at the same time it moved forward I'm sure we were there.  Under you’re umbrella sitting together.  From our meeting on a bench such eyes of a fair beauty, our time was silent, so before you leave give me a flower.  I was too shy to speak so please forgive me of my weakness.  Surely I remembered it, then coming back here I can regain the memories waiting on the bench beside you.  The memory wavers in search of this unknown name.

Boku Kaishuu 2(Kimi ga inaku naru)

For every story there was a scene that gave it life. A thought for each moment saturated with emotion. For every word a petal is plucked off till there is no more. Then I’ll bury them all in the ground as your voice fades. Soon I’ll water them with tears because you’ve left.

To Melt(tokasu)

On this gray day I'm going to get back my dvds from a friends house. Walking down the street my shadow disappears as to give the thought of my sins being erased and the cherry flavored twizzlers give me all smiles. Even though this trip is pointless and that door will never open I make this journey ignoring the facts. I hope this trips is worth it my Zune had charged all night. My heart yearns for companionship and a warm body other than mine to touch. Once upon a time my winter was like living on the equators line crossing the pacific ocean to Asia. And spring was me guiding my boat through the crushed icebergs and frozen waters of the arctic.. Yet this month is February, these 28 days are darkest even when morning rises, and time erodes away the mind. It's not standing still, its mocking me and showing me pictures of my x-ray with a missing heart. Today it snowed and the glow mixes with the black sky. The day I go the streets are empty and the time of mates finding and celebrating love everyone's inside having sex or cuddled together. Yet I continue walking and passing houses with filled parking lots and pictures of red and pink triangular hearts decorate stores. Walking up this hill I remember the surgery of when my heart was forcibly taken from my ribs. I waited for hours for the paramedics to arrive and the stitches didn't help stop the bursts or leaks that bled. The cold temperatures dry my tears and leaves them as ornaments on my face. Soon I arrive at my friends door with my happiest smile but I do not knock or leave the doorstep. The reason why it was pointless was that he left with his family months before. For this place will never give me the happiness I once knew of and I've lost someone and everything important to me. This world is too much alone and like this blowing snow, we are drifting farther apart.

Seiketsu(Purity)

I'll visit your house, sit outside, thinking aimlessly, wondering for nothing and wondering of why. All these questions spin and I play with each one with a keen smile and speechless smirk. I'm numbing out reality because all these cuts on my legs were from constant running and falling. I ran away from the man in the mirror that ate my shadow, the angry kids down the street and birds that aim their poop on my head. This place is too much to bear. So I aim to be as transparent as my hopes and wishes are to my hands. I know their playing somewhere, they hated this placed too and left me here. From behind me, she comes to pick up a boy of 12 years and carry him home, but he refuses and cries to stay. The sight if she could see as he did she would be breathless and laugh with the most enchanting of faces. But she does not and rushing to let her the boy rushes forth and breaks the glass. Through the vines of the sun and warmth of the moon running from his past no matter the cost I'll die to from what I was and myself who I hated. To something that would envy a butterfly and born erased from everything and alive anew. This new form is precious to me, all of that which reminded me of then I am now dying and shedding off. This tangible form please call it Seiketsu. With blood running from his left hand is and right arm is bleeding. He begins writing and pointing to what he saw. From this run down building and over the slope there's a field full of sakura trees that he would just love to play in.

Yumi

Days are long and disastrous I slowly see my dreams coming into view. Like a sunset of a long day its refreshing yet it tells of the darkness returning. I have music box for a heart which plays a saddening sound. Played with piano keys, flutes, and broken glass each note. The clear water looks as if its dissolving fears and returning feeling to numb bodies. So with you we'll go swimming, to enjoy the midsummer days and see you wearing a bathing suit. Into a pool I take your hand pleasing you is easy and everyday is fun by your side. Never leave me love. Jumping in for a great splash embracing your hand together we descend farther no longer needing air. The long minutes turn into hours and we grow gills to breath. The water is clear and full of chlorine. I wish for this endless dive to continue and these feelings overflow like the pressure and water around us. Through the pool pipes we are sucked into the ocean's consuming waves. Where we end up, if we will return to land, we are surrounded by this love without end. If the waters freeze our embrace shall remain and drift forever undisturbed by the world around us. Heal me with your touch, kiss, look, and words surely then those fake lies will be forgotten. I love you very much Yumi very much.

Mirai Kaigi(Future Meeting)

The words are vague but come back to lips with a simple sound and spark. Those rushing emotions filled with passion,hate, pain, and longing come clear as paint on a white wall. This returning season of when I unconsciously became lost in a place which I love by the things I loved but lost. Reaching for another women's hand, that plan was simple but finding 1 to return such affection was the hardest part. Seeing couples together and enjoying their time with special events was painful. Never so have I felt so alone when I'm surrounded on all sides. I abandoned the list of events and outside through the glass became my television. Silently cheering and hating each moment more, alone I was, alone I felt. I reach into my chest and twist the music box to play a tune to ease the mind, but the noise is greater than this little box can do so its overtaken into a whisper. This year I hope it will be better than the last, I so wish to find the warmth of a woman's hand. I've grown more fond of asian women this year for reasons that are becoming clear and I've become a member of a awesomenacious group that raves. Like that night at the carnival I hope to attract a woman and talk to her erasing my shyness. May I attract her by being myself and keep her near always, learning more of her. Your sexy body is icing to my eyes and personality is what I shall spend time learning with great interest. I hope the parties are more exciting I have upgraded and learnt an arsenal of dance moves to capture your heart and share fun with friends. May we decorate this place with a mentally infecting bliss that encompasses us together in an abstract reality. I aim to please you, whoever that may be, I look forward to finding that answer. And after reality intrudes and everything distorted is arranged I pray you never forget me and to communicate through some method.

Ikebana

With a smile and conversation this season unknown to man begins a rainy river romance. Fields of orchids, sunflowers, roses, and tulips create the ground upon which we walk. We call this season "yokka kisetsu de aetara", we couldn't come up with something more simplistic. A shiny sun feeding the plants their food and a reflection for the trees near the river.your silhouette walking gathering flowers creating bracelets and charms placed upon your wrists. The plucked plants grow as fast as they were taken and become two smaller flowers. I fell to your side blending with the scenery we fall into the flower petals hidden from sunlight. Rainy days call for nights under the waterfalls shelter and gathering leaves for bed. The rain is miniature droplets of light on the surface of the river. Illuminating the fish and life below and your beautiful face as you cuddle beside me. I love you and you love me, this season i want you to indulge in this so if it ends you can find your way back. The world outside of this is one that we will inevitably return to yet know my hearts strings will always connect. Time passes and we lavishly enjoy and talks are endlessly leaving me with smiles gasping for air and flowers highlight your young beauty. Departing to your destination a deep kiss and wish are made. You my love will surely come back,with this electronic address I call your heart and feel an errored heartbeat. To resist fading this season becomes paused keeping it colorful and alive. No monochrome colors a place where our memories were born and love blanketed us in warmth. I'm sure this meeting was memorable because your image is played on my eyelids every time I close my eyes. Your silhouette is colored standing in the wind holding flowers.

Departures and Obscure Affection

 

"You descended from me in autumn, so stay reborn a figure of love in spring. if only this tree survives the seasons I know, you were always by my side and our love flourished."

"See/Saw"

Playing on a seesaw your image comes into view and vanishes in cycles. As if my heart was the very ride we sat on, beating the ground and collapsing under pressure. I can it feel it more accurately bulging with blood up and down with each breath. On my knees you are raised to a level close to the sun. For just a second your image becomes my world because your my lost savior. Without words I devote myself to following you. At such a low position your eyes seeing far ignore me. As you begin condescending I sense a cold aurora and search your vacant eyes for a picture of me. With such beauty and grace my unrequited love is left without answer yet I yearn for the lying words that sound sweet. I see an entity emit a flirtatious bubble, I saw myself as that person once. I saw you in affectionate memories, I see you creating a divide between us. As I rise and reverse the place with you in the air I can see the other side has disappeared from sight and feathers spread out from behind me. It feels warmer here as if embraced in a hug. The sites beyond the trees are insight and the expanded landscape looks stitched together with yarn into a quilt. My descent begins from above the trees passing the branches and into leaves. The impact congests my left artery spraying like a water fountain coating trees in red. I see that leaves rotting at an accelerated pace outside of natures perfect circle, they no longer died in elegance but in disgust. I saw you flirting with others and tasting
their lips leaving a cherry flavor as your signature. No longer at your side we play a childish game which I believe is only to pass time. Exchanging locations once again I believe we see the different dream above the trees, we saw something same in contrast patterns. With all this knowledge it adds up slowly repeating each push and cascade they gather. Still I admire the look of my eyes and buried bracelet. Very rarely in the continuous motion I have the chance to truly accept the maroon scent of loneliness. I saw your heartbroken figure in the prairie, I see our flowers bloom out of season. I saw how the graveyard was once our garden, and this seesaw as our last scene sharing your presence.

"Silent on Stairs"

It feels weird doing this after so long like my memories run away from me as I try to recall who you were to me. Your name is there missing the link of conversation that occurred so naturally. As if opening my mouth for a breath it was so easy to respond and start digital messages. Its become like I arrive over and over at your door and the doorbell is gone. The heavy chest as I walk up each step adds pounds and now its just quick glances as I carry on. My beloved repeated songs are replaced with something else, I lose the words and alone they become scrambled. I feel that since leaving your arm that served as my branch I could grow stronger and grow up with each flap of my wings and return to thank you. Yet I miscalculated the possibility of losing my reason of doing this so it becomes meaningless. With this strength who do I wish to protect? The memory of the white dream is hidden in fields of sand. In this place I could try to rediscover it all from scratch yet I feel this sadistic reality is filled with sarcasm and failed deus ex machinas. If I put my letter in your mailbox I hope it brings you outside before winter. I view your tears like leaves during autumn. Maybe I can show you that even in sadness how beautiful you are. For I learn things that repeat sometimes need an ending and new beginning. I think this is the moral of this ending chapter, a new innovation, movement, meaning, or species to find could be the meaning of my journey.with this much extensive thinking it fades in comparison of how hard it is to talk to you. Sitting by the door I'm surrounded by dust. My moving shadow signals the day is closing and time is working. On my lonely walk home I purposely leave my Zune off because the song I would enjoy most has no flashy beat just simple words.