Rations of Warmth

A few days back I felt bad. I went to a friend's school to hangout with friends. Everything was okay, I guess it was the implied or underlying elements I didn't catch that made me sad after leaving. After getting off the bus the cold walk in the wind was horrible. I felt cold in a jacket not fit for such weather.I got to my mom's place, put my stuff down on the coach, locked the doors. I went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. I moved and took stuff out, I wanted the Moscato in the back. I put the alcohol on the counter moved what I could back into the refrigerator and grabbed a cup from the cabinet shelf. Opened the refrigerator and took the juice drink out and on the counter as well. I poured half Moscato and Juice drink in a glass cup, rearranged them back in the refrigerator, closed it and walked into the living room. I put the glass on the wooden table. I took out my DSi and logged onto the internet. I surfed a couple sites I lost connection touch with since my connection at home was lost. I moved my stylus between my index and middle fingers. Lowered my DSi and picked up my glass. I began to sip and taste the mixture. "Oh if sin is evil why are you so sweet? I want to stay in sin a little longer if you'll keep me company. Stay until my hands aren't dirty enough they can't be cleansed". I lifted the DSi closer to my eyes and continued exploring different pages. The room was dim with light from the hallway stretched in. I felt cool, of course I was! I totally had this loner, laid back posture with a good drink in hand. I was set for poetic one liners I might never write down. "I want to see you hold onto hope again with your clenched fist as you fought for something to believe in. The struggle brought forth tears that fell spreading out like pebbles on the road. I loved the figure you held, such vigor and defiance against the odds. But now I wonder what? What has become of you? You mellowed out to a bland color. I do not see the passion you once commanded". My stylus felt like a cigarette. I wanted to act on the motions as if it was, but if I did I feared something worse would come of it. So I did not and took the final gulps of liquor. I put the glass back on the wooden table, turned off my DSi, put the stylus back in its slot. Got up with my cup and put it in the kitchen sink. I went back out into the hallway closet to find something warm. I searched through the coats and found a denser fabric than my jacket. I put it on, pack up my bag and leave out.Shortly after arriving at the bus stop, my bus came on time. After sometime I felt better when getting off at my stop. Was it induced or intentional euphoria? I don't know, but the night seemed comfortable if nothing else.

Quotes 2

"I want to break up while i can still say i love you."

Shindou Chihiro (Ef: A Tale of Memories)

"Because she learned about happiness, she feels lonely for the first time. And because she knows unhappiness, she understands happiness for the first time."

(Ef: A Tale of Memories)

"Know much about purgatory? It's the world we live in now, and Halloween is the day a damned soul in purgatory can be released into heaven, if he prays hard enough. Say your prayers."

Vincent Volaju (Cowboy Bebop: The Movie)

"If there is a god in this world, I'd like to ask one wish. Devine retribution to all those who take freedom away."

Spike Spiegel (Cowboy Bebop)

"I was younger then, I wasn’t afraid of anything, I didn’t think about dying for a second. I thought I was invincible. Then I met some girl. I wanted to live, I started to think like that; for the first time I was afraid of death. I had never felt like that before."

Spike Spiegel (Cowboy Bebop)

"Do you know what the greatest and worst invention that humans ever made was? Television. Television controls people using information and steals their sense of reality. Yes. Now television itself is a religion."

Dr Londes (Cowboy Bebop)

"He told me...that which is incomplete seeks completion...yet...that which is incomplete is no better than that which is complete. Do you understand?"

Argentine (D.N.Angel)

"When something is gained, something is always lost. It is impossible to live without facing that fact. What is lost will never return. Important things. Irreplaceable things. The things necessary to protect those things. The firm determination packed into a bullet. Man knows... knows that nothing will begin unless he speaks. That nothing will change unless he moves."

(Cowboy Bebop)

"That time, were you also lonely?

Thinking of my small self, I can't sleep today either

If we could at least meet in dreams..."

(Hajimari no Hi, Minawo)

‎"Relationship is understanding. It is a process of self-revelation. Relationship is the mirror in which you discover yourself-to be is to be related."

-Bruce Lee-

"There are people in this world who enjoy being alone. But there isn't a single person who can bear solitude."

(Fairy Tail)

The Horizon Liquefies

Without cooling the fireflies in the air flutter and swirl. In need they return me to a place of peace. Void of animated life, an open view in which I wondered what was there. Somehow this will become common, here I live its pleasurable. The sky and sea become like intertwined fingers. The skies ripple with each wave of my hands. Swiftly, I caught a couple of fireflies flying about into my hands. Ran into the water until it reached my chest. I put my hands in the water and quickly opened them. The fireflies kept still and weary of the new environment. Gently I pushed the current under their wings and watched them scatter in separate directions. I can't look away from the eyes that arose from the watery depths. Pulling at me with unwavering attraction, selfishly demanding all attention. I can't look away from my reflection. Who could love me more than I? Paralysis of will to move or speak. Is that really me? Is this the way I've been all along? What will become of me from here on? The fireflies lift me out of the water and levitate me over the waters surface. Looking at the image this way, it doesn't feel so shallow, theres a great depth to be explored. It's disguising the iceberg hidden in the pitch black night. I drift above the firefly net and head back to the shore. I looked around for a place to make camp. I dug a place in the sand, arranged the leaves, folded clothes as a pillow. I laid down and positioned myself for sleep. A lonely cat approached me steadily appearing from the bushes. I looked and extended my open hand towards it. For a long time we stayed like this, the cat stood cautious of my fatigued stretching arm. "It's hard to bring a conclusion to something we haven't even started, yet giving up halfway leaves regretful thoughts" I said. "So I'll try without defeating myself before it starts and reach out to you" I said to the cat. "With you in my eyes I know what I should do. I'll make a foundation upon which I'll begin my travels. Jumping from moon to moon, a star as my campfire, packing dust into black holes. Of all this I won't forget you, you'll be my safe-haven among disorder. So little I know about you leaving room for questions and discovery" I said while blabbering words. I withdrew my arm and rolled over on my belly the cat's eyes gazed into mine. A fascinating cat it was, the sky was refracted and focused in it's pupils. "Truthfully"as I whispered ,"I cannot journey for right now I lack tools that will advance me in your direction. Who I am or will be one day I want you to know". My consciousness began to fade, the cat sat still. The sand was dazzling under a waning crescent.

I haven't left without reason

I'm currently in school and dealing with the stress and every other thing that accompanies it. I'm currently working on a story with a fellow friend named Usagi. I have plan on how its going to go but I wanna get an agreeable way of how it should be. I'll be co-writing it so I'll post it when done. Thanks for hanging with me up till now much appreciated. Also trying for employment need money for future expenses.

A present for her

I'll always be weak for you. Speechless I loved you, I hated you. It started with you the long gaze across the field grew from the faraway glances down the hallway as we separated ourselves further. I wrote something for you praising your existence, I think it was well wrote. From afar still I wish you the best on this special day. You could tell me you don't love me and I would know full well. Same here I do not feel that way for you. You knew the form I held before they pulled me away from you and locked the door as I was kicked out. I could have loved you more in that form. Its the leftover feelings and regret that never loses their luster and hardly fade. I didn't say goodbye and wave. I'm ashamed truly if you saw me. You don't love "me" but "me" of then. My afterschool crush now that I'm yearning for love I can remember you at the beginning of it all. I want you even now before it became complicated. Relationships, friends, responsibilities I never asked for all the hassle. It became the hardest thing to do and I lost it all. Attempting to fullfil teenage impulses I grew up and forgot it all. We lost our hiding place among evening hours as they exposed and played with our secret. If she doesn't love me anymore I want to know after I leave, but if she feels something lingering on inside I'll stay and wait the whole night until she can answer. Happy Birthday.

Nostalgia

You were magnificent,

who ever said I wanted you to change.

It was so ambigious the feeling you gave me.

So without words you made it for us both

to enjoy without revealing how we felt.

Change, why are we so scared of it?

Why does it come at the worst times?

I saw you, I thought of saying hello.

Never said when needed neither does

it feel right to do such. I just

remember your back as you played.

You made me feel anew. I would sit on

the bench beside you and stare outside

the window. At times I'd try as you looked

on. Whether it sounded sad or happy you

always smiled when pressing the piano

keys. I can only hope those days return.

It's all I desired after you left.

The festival flourished tonight

"Outlook from the Train station"

Into the void which pulls me I feel detached from it all. On paper before thoughts escape I write to tell you. Before parts resupply an empty vessel. With numbing cheeks I love you. To no one I love you. An image I create I love you. The walls weaken and reveal my dearest secrets before anyone else let my feelings be known. Voiced loudly and bowing for the grand performance. If it is not there it will one day reach you on the way home. At dawn everything will reset I’ll be someone who hides in shame. In repressed thoughts to one who the subconscious directs I love you still. In letters soaked with liquor the truth is clearly told. I always have, probably more.

"Now"

If you could believe me now, while I'm like this you'll know my true intentions. This state could be the "place" I've wanted to talk with you. It all shall flow, falling deeper pulling forth truth. Released like drool from under the tongue, slipping threw lips. My voice will be louder than a whisper. At the end I'll run home and dive face first into a pillow. Somehow its more than my cheeks that feel warm and rosy red.

"Unsatisfying Sample"

Prototypes of a women who I could love, among the daydreams that collide with the daily routine. It felt as if they were real. Lingering on the edge of reality ideas wait for thoughts to find them. I mark the calendar and write a summary, today was unsuccessful carrying on like the rest. Add it among the pile and notes to reflect the pros and cons in a blog. This strategy didn’t work out, no one thought this was genuine, or add tweaks to this step. Yes! it seems very analytical and experimenting with each new concept. I thought back judged myself to people of the past and question what I’ve been doing all this time. I remembered someone’s words and believed myself I wish it were possible. I too, hypothetically would rather leave a woman when we still feel passion for one another. At which end to were I know I could no longer please her. For us to leave when our prime has yet to expire than drag an old corpse. Preserve whatever is left and depart knowing we did our best. Don’t feel remorse former courtesan, its just that our affair did not sustain us until death. Somehow along the way we discovered we were incompatible and from here we’ll reach out to others. We could leave our hearts burning with passion and not jilted in the hands of another. In another way, man and woman do not claim the other yet are complete strangers who board a public bus to their separate destinations. I would glance outside the window and off the glass in my peripheral vision she sits. Because she is here I thought the Sun would set an hour earlier and take back more warmth. Do not fear I’m not the aggressive type, sometimes it is my weakness but I’m waiting for something to hit me. Is it a word, catchy phrases, action, thought, push, or resolution? I think my tongue has gone dry and can no longer speed up her breathing so now my eyes have taken its luster. I laugh about my shortcomings as the bus detours from its original route. I give up my masculine facade and procrastination kills the moment of possibility. These thoughts outline an image, its not whole nor am I.

"