The Path along the River

I stood idle and unaware
of what was around me.
I thought of what I would do
if I was still my former self.
A series of inner shifts I can
count around six total.
Seems pretty stable for the
seventeen years of life I can recall.
But I never planned for such
at all.
To change my direction in life
was not the goal.
I wonder where or who I will
be in the next twenty-two years.
A great many things I know.
"Follow the straight and
narrow rivers.
They will provide you water and
meat to eat.
Follow the words of your parents
and your days shall be plenty".
Yet, there are days I don't want
my mother's hugs and a want for my own
strength.
To climb atop a high rock and
show off my chest hair.
To live with the wolves and go against
their teachings.
To fall, escape, and live for me.
But I cannot afford to live foolishly now.
The rapids downstream are unruly,
the forest yields no exits.
Will I reach the height of my ability
before I fall into decline?
Will there be something left for
others or nothing at all?
Will my fellowship scatter to the winds or
beheld tightly to my chest?
The answers are never clear.
I remember "rivers into lakes and
lakes into oceans".
Something big is being created from
the small deeds.
From each stage in life there is more to
live for and see.
How or when I get there is unknown but
its just a matter of time.

Where are we?

Since chocolate truffles fall,
there will be something sweet to eat.
A warm shoulder to lean on.
A piece of hope in terrible times
made especially for you.
However for me, its been
over a year since
I planned my leave, but
I haven't set out a route or
destination in which Aurelia
will be waiting for me.
I could say:
Who is Aurelia?
Where is Aurelia, What do I
do from here on Aurelia?
I need your help.
I want you.
I wonder if I'm being selfish.
Something is interfering
after I sent the last letter.
I wish I was someone else.
I wish I was somewhere else.
Searching for the love of one
across a multicolored globe.
I fear we will become the past
and nothing more.
Today the snow fell early
and I was bathed in cold light.
As I sit, I remember the day
I watched the sunset.
I just stood and watched
as the shadows were
stretching across the street.
One more time, one more chance
I swear I'll get it right!
Let me get back on my feet.
I'll make it one day.
I'll try my hardest
to smile and remember
the words you told me.

Lucky I’m fancy with my glass :)

I’ll post “Where are we?” today. I’ll post this one ahead of schedule. I was drinking White Zinfandel(a Barefoot wine) and watching an emotional movie. I wanted to post this with something else but it seemed like the right time. I felt insecurities accumulating in my chest. Also any suggestions on classical music by any chance? I’ve heard from Holst, Brahms, Claude Debussy to name a few, but is there any thing you like? Leave a comment please I would like to know.

Trademark

I sometimes tire to see a woman's smile.
It is not for I cannot see or
understand such profound beauty.
Yet that I wish to see more of who
you are through a variety of expressions.
Knowing there is more
than my eyes can see.
Something below the
surface that gives rise.
Perhaps a thought
or feeling that comes from
a myriad of selection floating up like
a bubble.
But I will never hate your smiling
face you are so frequent to show.
It's just a delightful topic to ponder,
the mystery of you.

Lady who art thou

Yesterday I saw a woman standing alone on a pier. It started off nicely, a way of seeing the world outside myself. Last week was very stressful and I saw a side of myself I didn’t expect.

I had a conversation with an old friend about past relationships. We were at a restaurant catching up on old times. She told me how her boyfriend recently left her. I asked her how does it feel to lose your virginity to someone you love. She said “it feels as if you’re one with that person. He left me but I can still feel his touch and how he use to hold me.” After hearing that I felt devoid. I couldn’t compare or comprehend the emotion of which she spoke. The form of intimacy where my lover and I evolve into something more. The more I thought on it the more fearful I became of saying I was a jilted lover whose memories are fading over time. A few days after meeting her, those thoughts kept plaguing my mind till I couldn’t keep my usual attitude. At home I sat silently to collect myself near my computer desk. The impulsive urge to strike the computer speaker kept adrenaline running. Never before has this happened to me. The whole ordeal caught me off guard and I was feeling exhausted. Suddenly! my mind went blank from burnout. The impulse took its chance to unleash the rage surging in my veins and in an instant I was standing up looking at the ground. As I stood I kept hearing a thud sound near the computer. My left elbow arched and hand near my pocket. I stood on my left foot and pressing on my right toes. My right arm looked as if it was coming out of a jab into a straight punch. I stayed there motionless. I had regained the ability to think but I didn’t know what to do next. With a ration of aggression in my hand I punched the closest door. The speaker was dangling centimeters from the floor. A cord connecting it to an identical speaker was pulled latching onto the monitor’s neck and base. Finally I rearranged the computer speakers, pushed the computer chair away, and sat on the floor. That day I couldn’t name my vices, but I knew they were with me.

To find another obsession to occupy my time or see a woman of magnificent beauty would be a perk of such a good spring day. On many levels she interested me. I sat on the benches near the volleyball courts. It was a familiar scenery yet relaxing as I recognized a lot of buildings. I departed early in the morning to the bus stop. Sitting down on the black metal bench, waited while listening to music. She stood still wearing a light colored dress with designs scattered throughout. She appeared unsettled which was unclear to me. I had began thinking of reasons why she would be out here. A compelling force was pulling on my curiosity. After waiting on the bus stop a bus came. I boarded the bus, swiped my pass, and found a seat. The bus route goes to the train station from there I would board a train to Garten Pavolon waterfront. Was she waiting for her husband? If he was a sailor out at sea who left her home alone I can understand. Or a close relative coming from a foreign country? Is she  continuously throwing spare change into the bay to make wishes?  The bus arrived at the station entrance and halted as people left the seats towards the building. I quickly entered the building, swiped my pass, and go on the escalator to the second floor where the train tracks are. As I found an open space in the middle of the platform and kneeled down. What is there to wait for all alone? If she was mine, she would the lighthouse that guides me home. A guiding light for my ship as it returns after a long voyage. The waves will tear away at the shore, winds will howl and frighten, but she stands unshaken. A strong woman yet jumps into my arms when I walk through the front door of our house. I’ll hold her close to my heart. I am her shield. The train heading to Garten Pavolon comes and I get on. Inside its like being in a camera with the windows as lens on a horizontal angle. The environment outside was just still pictures that speed up then slow down. However adventure might be, I would rather be a houseman.  Get up for work, clock in and clock out, then come home to my wife and meal. The simple life at best. Hahaha! But my life is a bittersweet fruit so these thoughts can be my building blocks for tomorrow. After a few stops I arrived at Garten Pavolon station. I exited the train and ran to the elevator before the door closes. On the first floor I swiped my pass then left out to the street.  I walked and thought of a place to observe a lot of people. So I walked a couple blocks south until the sidewalks turned into sand. I climbed to the 5th row of seats on the bleachers and sat undisturbed. The lady on the pier waits patiently. An undeniable presence of admiration and gorgeous profile. What or who she is waiting for I don't know, but I can squeeze my feet into her shoes. By doing this she inspires me. I wish to give her hope. I want to know her and end her search. To be the one she desires above all. So I’ll wait beside her until our wishes come true.

Die schönsten Augen waren die ehrlichen.

I had started today out good. Kept lying in bed after I woke up. it was very refreshing. Let prince out of the room to get something to eat. Prince kept meowing and staring at me while he stood in front of my room door. I finally got up and visited an old classmates' profile on the computer. I had did the same before when I was wondering how an ex-girlfriend of mine was doing nowadays. From what I could see she has been prosperous these days. I kept seeing her on the metro as I waited for a bus home. She would wait for a ride. I thought of her, people I've met, my life's biggest moments one night I laid awake in bed. I called the recollection "My new picture" to represent a new chapter in my life. I'm trying to grow more consistent in activities like learning Japanese, practicing Nunchaku, and exercising on a constant basis. Each time I start to feel old, I tell myself “my life has just started”. It makes things seem less limited like I’m entering my prime. If things felt narrow it would make me feel sad. Knowing Japanese has been very fun and has proven helpful at my job. Due to my job, I haven’t been attending church for months. I’ve been reading “Tao of Jeet Kune Do” it’s a spectacular read. I haven’t learned any moves but it has changed how I think. For instance a cultural difference stated in the Zen section says “In Buddhism, there is no place for using effort. Just be ordinary and nothing special. Eat your food, move your bowels, pass water and when you’re tired go and lie down. The ignorant will laugh at me, but the wise will understand”. It was kind of difficult to understand it from an American perspective. My friend said Tao was not about “becoming great but being great” and about the journey. I wish to read more about Taoism.  Today though I arrived at the metro station 15minutes to when work starts. On the way down the escalator I spotted another girl a had a crush on. I never talked to her like I hoped. I’ll nickname her Megane. Megane was first another man’s girl so I didn’t care much for her.  Sometime from then I heard Megane was single which was cool because she was good looking. However at that time I didn’t feel right within myself. I seriously doubted my ability to satisfy a woman, protect her or myself, and if I was someone she desired. I felt fearful to speak to women because I thought I would mess things up. Megane has a boyfriend now not that I care but I lamented about this as I boarded the train to work. For what did or did not happen I am becoming someone will not make the same mistakes at that time. By learning more, working, and exercising I hope to solve the major problems which plagued me most. Unfortunately it took another similar occurrence that drove me to my lowest to change to where I am now. Being like that is not what I envisioned in my future. I remember thinking the same phrase again on several occasions. First when I was drinking with a friend looking up at the night sky. The second time was walking home with my best friend. Another time I outside dancing in the front yard. “This is how I spend my youth”.

Short Confession（みじかいざんげ）

Originally the “Boku Kaishuu” series ended with 5 parts. This work was to symbolize the closing of a parade of my unrequited love which was “Boku Kaishuu”. From here forward I expanded my creativity, topics, and made improvements to writing. I never regretted blogging.

Unsatisfying Sample

Prototypes of a women who I could love, among the daydreams that collide with the daily routine. It felt as if they were real. Lingering on the edge of reality ideas wait for thoughts to find them. I mark the calendar and write a summary, today was unsuccessful carrying on like the rest. Add it among the pile and notes to reflect the pros and cons in a blog. This strategy didn’t work out, no one thought this was genuine, or add tweaks to this step. Yes! it seems very analytical and experimenting with each new concept. I thought back judged myself to people of the past and question what I’ve been doing all this time. I remembered someone’s words and believed myself I wish it were possible. I too, hypothetically would rather leave a woman when we still feel passion for one another. At which end to were I know I could no longer please her. For us to leave when our prime has yet to expire than drag an old corpse. Preserve whatever is left and depart knowing we did our best. Don’t feel remorse former courtesan, its just that our affair did not sustain us until death. Somehow along the way we discovered we were incompatible and from here we’ll reach out to others. We could leave our hearts burning with passion and not jilted in the hands of another.
Or in another way;
 a man and woman who do not claim the other are complete strangers who board a public bus to their separate destinations. I would glance outside the window and off the glass in my peripheral vision she sits. Because she is here I thought the Sun would set an hour earlier and take back more warmth. Do not fear I’m not the aggressive type, sometimes it is my weakness but I’m waiting for something to hit me. Is it a word, catchy phrases, action, thought, push, or resolution? I think my tongue has gone dry and can no longer speed up her breathing so now my eyes have taken its luster. I laugh about my shortcomings as the bus detours from its original route. I give up my masculine facade and procrastination kills the moment of possibility.  These thoughts outline an image, its not whole nor am I.

Wakarimashita

I don’t know you but somehow you’re familiar in past tense...
I begin to recklessly repeat these words but only "I miss You" is an echo which cannot be stopped.  This "you" I'm sure you have slowly slipped through my fingers as it gently fell without sound.  Only remnants remain I begin to question what these emotions doing there.  A fragile touch and stealthy appearance.  If in physical form I found you on a bus and entertained you mating calls?  I’m sure you'll leave as fast as you came.  If I spent the night with my body bloated with a euphoric liquid and you were there, I’m sure in the morning my vomiting would be your alarm clock. Holding my weak body guide me as my left eye sees fantasies and right eye on the incoming door.  Would it be great if i confess to you?if you think too compassionately not to hurt me will it be a lie? I feel myself growing closer to you, I want to keep this time as we are alone conversing.  You take the stage when daughters of strangers are absent,and I order my thoughts and jokes carefully.  A lonely status makes window shopping an entertaining yet painful time.  Beautiful daughters born of similar and older years are wonderful as looks melt my chest and expose my heart.  Jokingly "she just dropped my jaw and my heart fell out lol" slowly I forget her and the cycle continues.  If we met like this surely my behavior and appearance would annoy you. What’s the missing piece to a puzzle carefully solved, I sense it missing as if a wall was separating us.  A feeling that even hugs, friendly smiles, and good climate continues to stand against me popping the question.  Roses are red, violet is a shade of purple so were from 1-14 is your hint of blue?  My red scale on the graph is inconsistent while you fit perfectly at 7.  I withhold the option fill in the position of significant other to satisfy a sexual lust, you are precious to me and never want to harm due to a distracted mind. When I use to close my eyes I think I saw you,weird days even scary to me yet I remember it warmly.  In a time where years counted down at the same time it moved forward I'm sure we were there.  Under you’re umbrella sitting together.  From our meeting on a bench such eyes of a fair beauty, our time was silent, so before you leave give me a flower.  I was too shy to speak so please forgive me of my weakness.  Surely I remembered it, then coming back here I can regain the memories waiting on the bench beside you.  The memory wavers in search of this unknown name.