A present for her

I'll always be weak for you. Speechless I loved you, I hated you. It started with you the long gaze across the field grew from the faraway glances down the hallway as we separated ourselves further. I wrote something for you praising your existence, I think it was well wrote. From afar still I wish you the best on this special day. You could tell me you don't love me and I would know full well. Same here I do not feel that way for you. You knew the form I held before they pulled me away from you and locked the door as I was kicked out. I could have loved you more in that form. Its the leftover feelings and regret that never loses their luster and hardly fade. I didn't say goodbye and wave. I'm ashamed truly if you saw me. You don't love "me" but "me" of then. My afterschool crush now that I'm yearning for love I can remember you at the beginning of it all. I want you even now before it became complicated. Relationships, friends, responsibilities I never asked for all the hassle. It became the hardest thing to do and I lost it all. Attempting to fullfil teenage impulses I grew up and forgot it all. We lost our hiding place among evening hours as they exposed and played with our secret. If she doesn't love me anymore I want to know after I leave, but if she feels something lingering on inside I'll stay and wait the whole night until she can answer. Happy Birthday.

Nostalgia

You were magnificent,

who ever said I wanted you to change.

It was so ambigious the feeling you gave me.

So without words you made it for us both

to enjoy without revealing how we felt.

Change, why are we so scared of it?

Why does it come at the worst times?

I saw you, I thought of saying hello.

Never said when needed neither does

it feel right to do such. I just

remember your back as you played.

You made me feel anew. I would sit on

the bench beside you and stare outside

the window. At times I'd try as you looked

on. Whether it sounded sad or happy you

always smiled when pressing the piano

keys. I can only hope those days return.

It's all I desired after you left.

The festival flourished tonight

"Outlook from the Train station"

Into the void which pulls me I feel detached from it all. On paper before thoughts escape I write to tell you. Before parts resupply an empty vessel. With numbing cheeks I love you. To no one I love you. An image I create I love you. The walls weaken and reveal my dearest secrets before anyone else let my feelings be known. Voiced loudly and bowing for the grand performance. If it is not there it will one day reach you on the way home. At dawn everything will reset I’ll be someone who hides in shame. In repressed thoughts to one who the subconscious directs I love you still. In letters soaked with liquor the truth is clearly told. I always have, probably more.

"Now"

If you could believe me now, while I'm like this you'll know my true intentions. This state could be the "place" I've wanted to talk with you. It all shall flow, falling deeper pulling forth truth. Released like drool from under the tongue, slipping threw lips. My voice will be louder than a whisper. At the end I'll run home and dive face first into a pillow. Somehow its more than my cheeks that feel warm and rosy red.

"Unsatisfying Sample"

Prototypes of a women who I could love, among the daydreams that collide with the daily routine. It felt as if they were real. Lingering on the edge of reality ideas wait for thoughts to find them. I mark the calendar and write a summary, today was unsuccessful carrying on like the rest. Add it among the pile and notes to reflect the pros and cons in a blog. This strategy didn’t work out, no one thought this was genuine, or add tweaks to this step. Yes! it seems very analytical and experimenting with each new concept. I thought back judged myself to people of the past and question what I’ve been doing all this time. I remembered someone’s words and believed myself I wish it were possible. I too, hypothetically would rather leave a woman when we still feel passion for one another. At which end to were I know I could no longer please her. For us to leave when our prime has yet to expire than drag an old corpse. Preserve whatever is left and depart knowing we did our best. Don’t feel remorse former courtesan, its just that our affair did not sustain us until death. Somehow along the way we discovered we were incompatible and from here we’ll reach out to others. We could leave our hearts burning with passion and not jilted in the hands of another. In another way, man and woman do not claim the other yet are complete strangers who board a public bus to their separate destinations. I would glance outside the window and off the glass in my peripheral vision she sits. Because she is here I thought the Sun would set an hour earlier and take back more warmth. Do not fear I’m not the aggressive type, sometimes it is my weakness but I’m waiting for something to hit me. Is it a word, catchy phrases, action, thought, push, or resolution? I think my tongue has gone dry and can no longer speed up her breathing so now my eyes have taken its luster. I laugh about my shortcomings as the bus detours from its original route. I give up my masculine facade and procrastination kills the moment of possibility. These thoughts outline an image, its not whole nor am I.

"

It slowly draws an image

Through the gate, across the roaring sands where the darkness couldn't touch,

and light didn't bind. Arrived at a wonderful place but rejected me.

So from here I'll be reaching out wondering why.

"Kippu"

What are you thinking of unknown lover? I draw a blurry image because the answers not certain and drawing a strangers face especially one that I will one day love is not easy. Do I sneeze because your thinking of me? Is it my allergies playing with me, are you blowing your scent into the wind? Is it a sign that you noticed my thread spread so thinly is caught in your grip. Under the same moon, the thought of meeting for the first time that your smiling and anticipating would I also smile too? If its true then I’ll believe it without question and draw strength from your joy. Under this sky we're connected yet for all my life I never met you is disappointing. My imagination of you would combine the best parts and features of beautiful women and I’m not specific about breast size or butt shape either, I’ll let those be random. A personality more common with mines and similarities so that I could even love you if you were my friend. May you have a love of anime ,manga ,a cool attitude, funny jokes and sayings, and a mysterious yet interesting mind and behavior. But the personality I’m sure I’ll love and we'll get along just great together. I don’t wanna throw things into long-term too fast but if I start to, restart my thought process with a single word. May we talk out a lot of things and may I get to know you more personally each day. Always convey to me the same attitude as usual never hiding your true intentions or feelings unless your just playing around. My body is built strong but heart is a fragile glass vase. Mold it and transform it into in ceramic and clay so that your hands can create a new solid shape. I don’t know who you are lovely women of whom I love, but I love you and hope you come before the beautiful yet sad white snow of shiwasu.

"Division of Fate"

Discover with me how I became a dissociative disorder, or rather a division of fate from a life of normal living. Scared by the doctors words I seek relief with paid fare to the carnival. So bland and casual a night I felt it colliding with my insecure pride. Flashing lights and neon lights shining fit for a lantern on an empty night that I was overcome and distracted without noticing I’ve arrived at a point on the map. In disbelief I’m surrounded by 3 mirrors and 1 with a veil.3 mirrors show my alter ego in different dimensions coexisting I watch them speechless as the still images are unpaused.

"Among the stars like sepias” if I repeat these words will it bring them closer to me? I look up to the brilliant moon becoming a nightlight in the darkness of early morning. I’m jealous of you as millions of stars flock to see you shine. But on cloudy nights your figure is lonely like myself. I raise my hand and the moon is fits in my palm. I push forward and a window stops my hand. Moon is magnificent yet this glass window is like gravity, clear yet its presence is everywhere. Is the thing keeping me from happiness this invisible yet heavy burden? Looking at you I only remember "07:04".

I begin thinking of this as a second mirror activates…

"My life is aligned with lustful desire, I can’t clearly remember when it began. People say lies are bad but they make the night with a swinging partner easier and sown together to accomplish what I need. Adore my hair and its radiant shine, silky texture with a closer look you can see names of sins I committed to get want I possess written on each strand. There is no love in me never has it been said and truly meant. Only with fake emotions and shallow meaning did I ever say it. Besides this I’m an ok guy, its just with my allure I’ll have want I and if it sparkles in my eyes I’ll chase it. But I’ll give you a hint and tell you I was born at "07:04".

The reappearing numbers sound confusing yet their words I start to slowly understand…

"I have buried my love here, I’m sure she would be pleased to return here but if only things were different. Softly holding your corpse in my arms seeing your facial color slowly change I couldn't help but to wet your face with tears. I skimmed the past, the fast forwarded surrounding emptied more sand into the cradle. Spinning time in the cradle our years together seemed to fade and only the joyous intro and saddening conclusion could be remembered. Share with me your last few words and breathe into me your last breath I want to be with you forever. In the end "forever" was just an ideal compromised of our exchanged feelings. I hear a woman quietly speaking, I look up to see you returning to the sky. Monochrome film replays our joyous intro as I remember "07:04".

As the third mirrors story stops they shatter and the room is quiet with only a mirror hidden behind a falling veil to show my face. In room 0704 the carnival has been erased.