stray, err

I just left. It felt like the right thing to do. There were no obligations to be kept. Took up my hat, coat and breezed out the door. I left my friends, kin without word. My friends we depart yet again our paths shall cross with meaning. A place better than here to go it seems. There could be something to rejoice about I thought. I'd like to say I suffered while you were away. Tell you where I went and how mischievous and adventurous it was. My path has lead me to places where I walked among commoners of all sorts. My feet marching forward like I was on a mission. Yet at times I would be taken by a strolling damsel. When I rested my feet I laid in disbelief. I judged the worth of my choices thus far. The train's rolling stones under its tires as it pushes along the tracks. Stones that never stay still. Only breaks to gasp for air. I looked through the newspaper for a fairly blank section. I tore it off, wrote down the name of the station, and number of Suns I've seen. I had missed those who loved me. I'd like to believe I'm a piece who can drift freely from the mold. I'd like to believe I can find a home. 

The Glamour of High School

I don't regret my decision this time. Opportunities cost something yet, somethings aren't given equally.
            I sat here and imagined tangled in the lights of trees and blissful glaring bulbs, I imagined two lonely people. A guy sat alone and stupor. A woman approached and held his hand. The lights didn't shine brighter. There were no smiles to beheld. They stood silently hand in hand. They were only shadows in the marvelous floodlights unwavering in the night. Were they unable to move? Move closer? Take a step as together as one? If there's an aesthetic wonder placed in this frame it would be them. To stand enamored with someone I can love. That's all I could see in the distance.

I asked God for strength..for next time. I gave up when it was time, I did all I could.

On fresh dew…

I thanked September for it's days as I slipped the bus pass in a trash can. I kept

walking, speeding up my steps to the ascending escalator. I worked hard today,no one can say differently. The pain from my knees to my feet still throbbing. The wind coming from underground got stronger as I got to the top. I began to think deeply as I stood on the rising escalator. I thought of saying "Thank you  to September for the days I spent with you. It seems I've arrived at this day just to see you leave. We've had a good run. Unfortunately, October is here and our time together is gone. You'll come back next year I know, yet it won't be the same. It seems our days aren't repeating only pushed along a line." As I thought the wind was blowing against me as if there was a huge fan in front of me. Even my hair had risen off my neck and face, for it was floating in the air. Finally, I got to the top and everything had calmed down. I looked in search of my bus, ran to it, and boarded for a ride home. In some strange way I felt I had come to terms with something in myself.

Wir tanzen nicht

I surprisingly saw my ex today.
It was a rude appearance into a
present conversation I had with another.
I can't say I hated it.
It felt weird seeing her face again as
she was ushered in by another man.
I quieted my voice and moved to the
other side of the room.
There was a seemingly synched glance
into each other's eyes which made me pout.
So I sat in a chair and starting reading
a book to shake off the uneasiness.
I admit there were days when I
desperately wanted her back just so
that I could feel loved.
A little affection to calm my heart.
In more ways than one I don't have
the key to that door, nor is
it worth trying.
If there's any consolation prize I'd prefer
to say it was when she smiled best in
my arms as her youth started blooming.
If we shared anything now besides the past
it would be that our hair has lengthened.

Jon's note

Miss, if there was a time I could bridge the distance between us I'd attempt to love you even in my insecurities. To fight through the negative thoughts. To give it my all and tell you how I feel about you. I set you on my heart last night as someone I must know more about. Yesterday all I could do was stare into your eyes, but today I want to talk with you. To know if your someone I can call lover. My sadness which laid quietly over my daily life. Pushing myself to break and tell the truth. The frustration that lead me to wrecking my room before leaving for work. The days I drive myself into discontent and I'm sleeping on a cold bathroom floor, I know'll you be there to help. I remember my shortcomings and things I must achieve. The long gaze at a woman's face. Her cheeks, nose, eyebrows, lips, and eyes. She's ever so unique. I start to wonder; if she was mine's, if I stood a chance, what I've done to hold a woman as fair as her? I relax, feel my heart beat quicken, think, and write down all I felt. If ever a man left her searching for love of another, I want to be there at her side. If you could fall in love with me again Lochan, I'd give it my all. As I value you more than I feel in myself. Lately I've been in the lowest of spirits and uncertainty. Blue eyes,if you could me love at my darkest, you'll have my heart.

In that time

Hands that can be torn apart

by the jealousy of another.

The memories that dim never fade.

A hope that keeps the heart alive.

As I constant the usual places

we were I thought of her tenderly.

Days shall past and I think of

when you stood before me.

Months climb upon another

so I wonder where you are.

Years idly turn and I wonder who you are.

If she still remembers me.

Does she remember my body, my love?

Such soft lips imprinted on my heart.

She doesn't know I love her still.

I wonder if I can love another.

Blue signs and Benches

Perhaps now is not the time
to adore your fashion sense.
It's time to catch a bus.
When my own feet can't get
me to the destination.
There maybe a song,
interpersonal conversation,
or moral to be learned.
Especially around the benches
were people gather and silently
wait there might be a person
with whom I can talk to.
Opening conversation for
a one minute at a time.
I'll nonchalantly listen to your
conversation or interject politely
when I see fit.
A person might ask me a question in
which I will answer honestly,
yet I'll ask myself did I appear warm,
welcoming to you?
What stood out to you about me to approach me?
Talking to you I feel I've crossed a border.
Anyway I'll be watching time move around me
and fate operating on an untouchable plane.
Yes! A chance to go farther than these
wooden legs can offer.
However you'll be jaded if you believe
it'll be here on its printed time,
but hope nonetheless that it'll arrive.

Maeve

For however long we have, 

I wish we can be young and foolish.

Before we forget who we were or

dreams we reached for.

I look around and feel aged in my bones.

Yet not so long ago I too felt all

the joys youth could give.

Back then I thought I could be someone's Prince.

The world was bigger than me.

That was when I met you.

So let there be happiness

before it too is forgotten.

A transient gesture

Let's say it is still winter.

It gives reason to be true blue.

An excuse to warm up to those

darn feelings that clothe just right.

Fall off my feet, softly sleeping at noon,

and being fed soup in bed.

To call the name of a affectionate person

isn't bad at all.

My bones are feeling cold I want someone

to help me warm up.

We are snowed in babe so stay for awhile.

I’m freezing in the harsh winds.

I’m lost in condensation that camouflages

with this delicate scenery.

This season could there be a me without you?

Let’s play a slow song as we warm up near the fireplace.

If you leave the fireplace will be too hot for me alone.

My lips will crack becoming ugly and painful to touch.

Would you please stay longer?

At my side until the end.

A Table for Two

I was too quick to forget that there are also men who dream of becoming great fathers, finding love, and providing for a family. We gathered in a car outside a fast food restaurant and talked. We asked each other questions about love, preferences, and women. I'm happy to know that I'm not really mysterious just that there is more to be said because I usually don't talk about myself. I can't remember exactly but one guy said that if we are able to continuously persevere and love our girlfriend in the hard times then you have been in love. Perhaps I didn’t women who are preparing their wombs for love and birth. Who desire a family just as much or more than a man. When I meet a woman I take interest in I think of what I could offer her besides love and affection. It’s a bad habit. For now a father I cannot be. I’ll need to dig deep and stack bricks before I sow any seeds. According to him I believe I have experienced love in my turbulent high school days. Short story was that I did something's I shouldn't have done but my heart always desired her above all. The fondest memory I have of her is when school was ending for winter break. I practiced lines to say to her a lot especially since I stutter. When I finally got the chance she was in the main lobby standing with her friends. I asked to talk to her, she agreed to let me speak, and I began talking. For some reason I closed my eyes and started speaking whatever came to mind. A lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication created a wedge between us and we weren't as close as before. I don't know how long I was talking but when I opened my eyes she looked surprised and probably didn't expect it. In 2010 I felt like I had forgiven her and myself, so I wrote something on her birthday. I don't think I'll send it to her, it's more of closure to the past. I did it all for love there's nothing shameful about it. Today, I am my own. All the fear, boredom, happiness, fun I experience it is all mine. Pros/Cons it may have, I grow unsure of where this boat is going. My biggest fear is that I haven't been able to resolve my regret about her. Again a nickname is appropriate so I'll call her Sarah. To a night I fell asleep with her on my mind. If only I could meet you in my dreams I would tell you everything. I could forgive myself.

Last night I laid down in bed. I still regret not being able to tell how I felt at that time. I imagined somehow that the class was cleared in the middle for only chairs for students to sit in. We sat in a circle discussing the movie shown to us in class. Before class dismisses the professor tells everyone to put the chairs with the desks against the walls of the room.  I quickly threw my books to the ground and kicked the chair away. I rushed over to Sarah and grasped her hand before she could leave. Sarah turned around surprised at me, I let of her hand and quickly regained my posture. I stood and said “Can you stay after class? There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you though normally I couldn’t”. The professor plays a slow song and images show on the overhead projector. “I thought this would help set the mood. You have five minutes until the next class comes in. This is all I can do”. The professor picks up his briefcase and walks outside the classroom. I looked Sarah in her eyes and told her;

There’s a lot I want to tell you. I don’t know how much time I have, yet I want you to know this much. My name is Richard Brahms. I have a crush on you. Before I didn’t the confidence to tell you sooner. I would like to know if your single and if so can I get to know you better? For example, How old are you? What do you like? What do you want to do in life? There just basic things I want to know about. I want to know who you are, how you were as a kid, who you want to be in the future. Maybe we could take a walk around campus and talk. Casually meeting when we have time. On such a beautiful day it would be nice to see your smiling face. It would be like an afternoon in Paris. There things about myself I would like to tell you as well.

It would have been great if we were both single but I never found out. With what little time I would try my best to appeal to her. Making my words sound good and have a fork in the road ending. Either she decides she wants me or not. It’s just another time my insecurities got the better of me. How much I was holding myself back from achieving something. My chest’s simmering heat against the bed sheets, lying close to the edge of the bed. It’s clearer now the reason why things turned out as they are. Of what becomes of myself and she who shall sit beside me I wait, and wait…