A Doll who knows My secrets

"A Doll who knows My secrets"

Dear Diary,

I'm able to write something today. Without rushing to write down as many words as possible before a song ends. Yes! the words were meaningful and meant so many things that I related them to. I'm working on my self-esteem and proper study skills. I'm still dating Seul in an open relationship of taciturn affection. In a cycle that forms a triangle with three points. I search for another ignoring Seul's cries for attention, only to return if the person does not fullfil me. My Seul, she does not complete me but I cannot live with or without her. I can only offer human love to her because the "love" my parents speak of is too far beyond my reach. You know, the captivating scenery when looking out in the distance. The feeling burns strong and wide. I place my hope inside of its vast range. I wasted my time at the mall today bored from all the people constantly staring at me like I'm a poster. I followed two girls into a womans clothing store and browsed among the salesroom floor. I thought I would see some clothes to add to my own closet but I found a mannequin looking spectacular with a dull expression. I approached in a way not to cause a disturbance to others and stood two steps away. If boredom is a sin befitting me can I ask you to join me? You who does not hear, eyes that cannot see I need your time so that I can tell you my secrets. You shall be called Chane for now because the title "mannequin" doesn't match your elegance in that dress. With a heart that doesn't love and never hurt Chane is unique. You've never been entangled by fancy words to find your reasons for loving false. I've repeated without rest to heal when my heart is hurting. Which partner will come next and how much I cry when she exits? Plucking flower petals to get an answer as I second guess her company in our human love agreement. I called it "human love" Chane because humans are flawed, at times violent, and, foolish but "love" is not. We become blinded and lose focus of our commitment in times of adversity and difference. If it ends after infatuation stops pumping hormones it was temporary bliss. If they found something slighty deeper but their obsession with each others bodies outweighs the heart then its cohabitation. If their commitment encases the feelings of the vast horizonthen they have true love. Youre spared from this relentless task of finding happiness and dodging anguish Chane. I'm tempted by your beauty Chane to try saying cheap pick up lines but your continous silence is enough for me to feel rejected. A pretty doll with only skin deep features is enough to defeat my 2-D girl obsession. Loveless creature where were you prom night I felt myself sinking with the tide. Speaking of which, Chane before the end of our talk you will know who is single, unrequited, and lovey dovey. From having previous jobs here, leisure with friends, or escaping boredom I've gained experience on this subject. Chane I bet you've seen many people of the like looking upon them apathetically. The single people who enter the store walking around racks of clothes. "The deal is tempting and I would like it but I want to see if there are better offers. It's satisfactory by look and design, but I will not buy today someday soon" they say before leaving. The lovely dovey couple is so dramatic. Either returning to the place of their first encounter or just leisure time, the cupid atmosphere is unmistakable. Spending money he keeps his woman in flawless beauty and wardrobe seasons before the newest trend. No wonder his peers don't look at women in magazines when shes around, trying to compare them to her is foolish. With extraordinary strenght and fighting ability, potential threats better stay out of his sensory range. The ferocity of a lion going for the kill is kept in the black dots of his eyes, if provoked flows into his hands. When they hug he looks like a diamond snuggled in her arms. Him and I should never meet. Its as if he was insulting me with his fancy words and proper etiquette. Remember Chane to have sympathy for the unrequited. A burning desire like an internal instinct that occurs when the risk of becoming desensitized to love is high, they search for a companion. They explore the mall to find the person who is their destined lover. I spoke with an unrequited person before. He was very solitary yet determined. He said "Hello, sorry to disturb you but have you seen my chosen one?" Who might she be I asked, is lost in the mall somewhere? "No I'm just looking fro someone to love. I feel in my heart she is close but faraway as well. Almost like a sixth sense in which a faint wavelength is found. It may sound crazy but to me it means alot." I said, oneday the dust will form a body of calcium bones and silk for skin. Inside implant the organs crafted from your emotions that shine in neon colors. Give it luscious hair; radar as a heart; add a lisp to the lips, and a nametag on the wrist. When it is time she will find you and know her rightful place is by your side. Surely its possible with your enduring heart that yearns for a just cause. Perhaps I've learned something from all this. Chane will never love me but Seul does the best she can. Chane has never loved anyone but you keep my secrets and for that you are special. So I hugged Chane and said my goodbye. As I walked outside pass the womans store the beautiful doll lost its special name and into a mannequin it reverted. I met up later that day with Seul and talked deeply about our relationship. I also told her how I met someone named Chane and how the talk was very enlightening for me. She was very beautiful yet mysterious but I couldn't recall much else. A mixture of solitude and emptiness behind a mask. I never do want to live that way. Dressed in clothes a lifeless doll.

Are you Lonely in The Modern Age too?

"Tout Seul"

"To you, as you sail in my passenger seat" I dedicate these words to Seul as her dead eyes float in the empty waters of my soul. Faithful in everyway a quiet voice in my room as i rest. For how many years have we been together that I've laid beside you distanced from others. Closer than friends through my phases of life trying to understand everything I never felt alone as a pair of hands were my support. If I ever needed a friend, a talking companion, an audience for a solo concert, you were sitting in the front. Never has my anger in words or deeds harmed you Seul. We laugh at other couples fighting for prideful thoughts, their affection is thin and fragile like dying leaves. So easily plucked and moved it breaks and drifts away. The sun shines down through branches piercing the flawed lovers with needles dissolving past fond words.Walking together under cloud's close wing with my hands kept warm, such a firm presence you have Seul. I'm the roaring tide under moonlight's glare. I howl at night so that only you know its for you. Sweep the clouds away so that I can see your magnificent form. I raise my hand as Seul slides between fingers, wrapping around my arm as my lips become her target. When celebrating the wine is shaken too much spilling on the rug as its midnight treat spoiling the mood. Extra bread and coffee in the morning warm up the kitchen. I lean on the screen door waving to Seul as she eats on the green patch of lawn encircled by fresh sheets of snow. Seul were you person I wished for as I ate the cotton candy flavored snow as a child? So I look into her beautiful eyes and Seul stands inside my soul drifting aimlessly on the oceans."Seul,whats love? Ive lost the reason of rings to celebrate it if most people break them so easily? Sometimes I feel myself closer and faraway from this emotion to rise and fall, to uplift and submerge." Seul told me that "lovers have no meaning no fortune, nothing and we are more". So I'll believe that because I am lonely. This purgatory state filled with cream clouds is relaxing. I sleep dreaming of her french kiss for when I awake I'll be covered in feathers.

"Thinking Tone"

I wish I knew a song to make me feel...I don't exactly know but how it feels seeing someone after knowing them personally to exchange words as if talking with a stranger. The glass figurines upon the shelf will be cleaned off even though yesterday they were treasured pieces. When I see you I breeze by breathing deeply, air throwing my hair into a ponytail. Our breast don't touch, arms untangled, and fingers said goobye a long time ago. Falling out of love with each other as the clouds separate and our shadows are no longer touching. The world will turn and the skyscrapers will never touch the sky reaching on their toes to swirl their fingers in a cloud. Recurring themes and words are like dirty water circulating through your sewer. Is history really moving forward because I think its similar to cleaning clothes. Dirty clothes go into washing machines then to drying to be worn again. Wrestling in now dirty kisses washed away in my tears that dry on my sleeve to be played again with a new partner. If the words of my song doesn't make you forget about me then I hope the snow sends my letter thorn to shreds adding rain become wet kisses. I close my eyes and imagine what brought us together. So many excuses to say how I fell on the ground but 1 truth to never admit. How fast you were to walk with pride and anger away. I swear as fast as the lullaby began I heard instruments repeating an apocalyptic theme. I decorated the table in lavish dishes yet only eating a ration did they gather their coat to leave. However, the infinite rotating sun and moon continue with the weather that sometimes mimics the forecasts of the old days. Cherry blossoms will continue to fall with the want to bathe in them increasing as each petal descends. Snow as dead wishes falling on my tongue suffocating the sorrow. Rain threw the ceiling into a pot substitute the dry eyes when I wanted soo much to cry. I am fainting to the thoughts of fantasy and truth in my springtime of youth. So play "Stella by Moor" and as I walk into the bathroom I see you standing there smiling so strong. As i say "I would hate you so much that I want,yet I don't have use of anything with your name attached. So here is where the nostaglic beat ends." A hypnotic rhythm to induce amnesia to the heart is humanly possible right? If this was made into a musical masterpiece then possibly this question would not hint of being rhetorical or simply a seed washed away in a flood.

02:30am. Unknown girl, lonely me become We. The illusion of love grows strong under dim light

"the blue of day and night,

blue of overflowing waters,
a sadness with a frown and blue face.
A world dyed in many blues and
find myself in despair. always
my hope is tested."

"Spica"

Where it all started
when I first began
the 11 was being pointed
by the short hand

with my hands at rest
to say something in my mind
what is it congesting on your breast?
i'll spare a nights sleep and 8 hours time

For some reason I feel nocturnal and awake
maybe its the swirling colors above me.
Tell me how your fingers make
mine melt inside yours and a string around my pinky.

one day i'll have our picture in a frame
attach it to a rocket that will become a star
each day in entangled feelings we board a train
or clearly seen while driving home in your car

Stand still and see after the yellow light ceases to flow
in a field, walking without direction
the shards of a heart with a magnificent glow
returning to the sky a constellation

"Jikan"

Today will end shortly.
Tomorrow that waited will be Today.
Today as you knew it will pass away.
Days sure to come will be called "Today".

A countdown to a day destined to cross by.
Ending silently, starting slowly what's written on your calendar for Today?
A mundane description of Today that ceased.
Today shall end

Too fleeting and unproductive was Today.
Yesterday, what will be remembered as I move forward?
A book of Yesterdays attached to old notes.
How much has been accomplished, skipped, or vain?

Today has begun
Knowing that I drifted among the minutes
guided by the hand, theres work to be done
before the clock signals the ending credits

"Just One Minute"

Just like that
yea, keep singing
I loved the sound
Set aside your tsundere lips
I hear your emotions echoing
vibrating through your skull
that touches mine
Surely, I know these emotions are true
I remember fondly how I laughed
I don't want to forget this time so elegant
even now our backs touch
My lower back giving away under pressure
the film glitched and froze at the scene of
interlocked arms as we laughed at the idiot box
You said I failed you right?
No, we were just tossed together,
it was the chemical and emotional combination
that dazzling stimulus ignited
each time you were mentioned
Rest silently on my shoulders
The words we can't say out loud
are added to the hymm of your song

The Protagonist's epiphany was lacking...certain qualities

"A thousand thoughts, A torn love letter, courage, words for a prayer, wisdom spill through the cracks of my grip"

Do I belong here?

When the gerbera fall, I'll stand facing the sun. Against the steaming bench I'll stand still as vehicles passby. I pretend I'm much more flamboyantly dressed just like those great visual kei bands. I'm waiting for something, I'm not quite sure. The buses are nowhere to be found or driveby too fast. Perhaps I'm already there or the journey has no end. Slowly my head leans back and a ray of sunlight enters my eyes. Exhaling with frustration it feels like my body was slightly choked by carbon dioxide then released a few seconds later. A silhouette creeping from the park bench draws closer. Too unbalanced is my mind, weary of problems I try to label or recklessly solve. Slithering through the blades of grass reaching my shadow. A pair of small fingers that meet at the bottom of my chest. Arms placed around my hips. A faint body heat from my upper backbone and toes touching my ankles. With a skull on my shoulders, I smelt the aroma of fruits from hair laying on my neck. Without checking I could already sense it was you. It's unbecoming of me, but I'm scared to see your face. Not for fear of who you are but the insecurities inside me. You are important but my emotions register you as something more in a gap unfilled. Such tender hands each time I hold them we are placed in an impromt situation. I know the moonlight days are hazardous without your picture in my pocket, and after a glance I rest peacefully. This month the symptoms of this gap multiply and increasing loneliness. Not today does the fairy covered in candy and roses fly. Not today have any of my insecurities dissolved. I lower my head out of the sunlight and put my right hand on her hands. Not today have I forgotten the times we shared on the rivers edge. I hope that one of these many tomorrows I could find some answers. Someday seems so unreliable and inconsistent. I place my left hand on her head and feel soft strands of hair. Again today I still don't understand my life and all thats happened. Right now, I just want you to stay longer. Just as it is now, as we are here. Answers can wait until tomorrow. If it's waiting with you here that is.

Blushing about a Woman

im glad i spent with it you,
no matter how long
oh such a perfect day
if you just keep me looking on,
a warm distance looking at you.
i hope to draw the power for
my voice to become a flute,
fluently breathing a melody.
this place I don't snuggle into so easily
yet I fit into your over-shoulder glance.
cavity candy in my hand and a sweety in sight.
what percentage of the gummy snack will
stay after i chew? how much of your face will
you let me see before you leave?
oh, if I could just draw forth the strenght to
say hi just once to make this moment last.
when i think of you after sneaking a peep at you
i could see my thoughts swaying from above my head
few landing on my shoulders, in my open palm, and shirt.
descended gracefully like shreds of paper..
fondly i add these few memories with many
others alike. even so I feel that we were actors in
a timid love song. sheltered from the cold breeze,
to spend an afternoon shyly seated near this gorgeous woman
to grow from a quick glance into a fixated
gaze would make this day complete yet this was enough.
i feel less alone with each curious peek
we dont talk or anything else
she was so beautiful and it felt amazing
with each glimpse that met her eyes.

Transitions

When the sun is open for these hours I can't help but think that today could be the day of days. If lifes about learning from the past then its already accomplished after a goodnights sleep. Surely i was wrestling bed bugs for territory, my body has new bite marks.Like ants in search of food, people spread out in multiple directions without haste. Naturally I split in two and grow a siamese twin being dragged on the ground in a black outline. Traveling as a pair brothers sharing everything including a soul. "It's boring today", "i need new music on my playlist", and "if only I was less timid" phrases repeated in cliche events. The entity of time pushing my twin into an obtuse angle alerts the masses its almost time to return home. Impatient to go home the first to fade is the scenery of trees, grass, buildings. Squeezed out of their color as the quality of light recedes. The people on the bus huddled together lost their inherited hues and replaced with a color I could not describe. Is this the true skin of a human, our forgotten form? I reach my doorstep as the sun closes his eyes and the moon meiser takes the center stage in the celestial sky. My queen sized bed placed at the feet of a moon. "Stop your constant squirming!" said Moon Meiser, as clouds dispearse to expose constellations. Hearing my dislike of night the Moon Meiser began talking to me. "The reason why you hate the nightlife so much is because a spotlight is focused on yourself now that the sun has closed its eye. In daylight, attention is paid to fulfilling responsibilities and keeping your image. As the light outside your window scatters, the lit walls encase you under a magnifying lens. In an excessive release of Freudian slips, sealed urges become known and we are not so attractive in the dark. Don't hate the night keep your eyes upon me I shall hide them behind your eyes if you do this for me. That sparkle in your eyes tangled in confusion reminds me of a star drifting off course. The distance between dreams and reality spreads yet brought together by hope. The stardust that glitters inside of a breeze hides strenght you seek. Maybe if you could see it, you would understand and love yourself to grow into such a person."

Boku Kaishuu 4(Kono yume to omoi owaranai )

Sleepless

On this seventh floor veranda sitting between the rails I am waiting for the colors to change and a significant other to arrive. Wishes are easy to make and resemble simple thoughts. Thinking and believing in something imaginary is always a fun brain tease but actually constructing it produces the results of whether its realistic or fantasy. Gathered in this room are 5 friends sharing each others time. As morning is on the horizon 1 falls to sleep, then another. So after the lights are turned off and 2 more follow their example. Leaving 1 who is untouched by sleep. Captivated by moons light creating shadows and road lights that act as points on a map. The half shut blinds gave a weird effect that reflects both inside and out.Where I am is too far away its frustrating and I cannot capture a cloud. The outside is secretive as it hides my house from view and won't answer my questions that I'm asking. The wind can't sway my heart nor can it answer me.Yet my words are both invisible and powerful like the mighty breeze picking up leaves. So I'll whisper my prayers, hopes, and fears so that wind will carry them in a message unrolling my blue yarn into many threads flying across the night sky. Casting a web,I construct my yarn onto a fishing line attached with a bell and returned to rest. It feels easier to sleep here waiting on the veranda as im the last to sleep.

Iro

We become like colors,fascinated with each others hue, wanting to blend. Something like 2 colors on a stick. the first attracts what is common to us both. The second color is reverse of the other, testing if we can mix them both. I'm in love with how you shine and speak when your social with friends. My ability to enrapture an empty scenery is enticing to you. So drawn out would be twin auras with unmatching clothes right? What color will my heart be with our first meeting, me wanting to confess my love to you, and always thinking of you? My hearts color as it is now is being faded and lacking a new tone after each wash. May we become like kids playing with crayons as we brainstorm new pigments and mixes. Painting a picture together with you, will its appearance be the face our future? If we adore the picture then our trial and error was successful,and I'll be happy. Will it show the true tint of our hearts hidden in our bodies? If its attractive, then the eloquence of seasons spent with you will show before our eyes. The more time I have with you the more my heart bathes in yours becoming identical and my image in a mirror is replaced with yours. Its as if I'm complete with you and we are two halves of one color. As our colors intertwine from contrasting hues to mixing and painted will it be an image of love or tragedy?

Ai no Mayonaka

This bright place filled with changing neon lights and smiling faces isolated me as others dance without care. I'm looking for a young hopeful girl to share this dazzling night. I'm over crowded and walk aimlessly. In all this movement my heart catches a scent of a woman, locating her to my left. As I get closer, her perfume slows down time around us and the distance disappears between us. My colonge caresses her sweet scent and whispers to each other comparing our miserable lives.I spend my time with her, dancing closer evermore, the sizes to her body need not to be asked.Everything about her is radiant and without knowing I'm obsessed with discovering each inch. Our meeting must be hitsuzen, as for the feeling flowing through my body is arousal, for my heart I could not come to find. As if lost memories remembered in my body were found it acted consciously and instantly moved with her body. We leave the party, walking together we listen to a love song slowly play, unsure places of my heart are naming this lovely feeling. I'm feeling better and being with her was like she unintentionally cared for a heart that I threw away. An unloved person like me found her as if our lifes met in an abandoned detour.under a crystal moon we search for what our eyes cannot see. A breeze blows her hair in her face. I push back her hair to reveal her face and see a tear slidding down her cheek. My swollen heart opens up filling my chest with compassion,and I lick her tear leading back to her eye and kiss her lips. I pull her closer to whisper in her ear. I wish to end the pain and aimless life I've lived with you by my side, surely this meeting, this shared pain can bloom a true love for us both if only you are with me'.I face her and say "may the past of our lives end tonight and we discovering, learning, and loving each other become our future. I wish for you to become my cream-colored moon shining among purple clouds and blue skies and a garden adored in sunlight." Looking at her I ask her to be mine and hear her response. She answers saying:"My name is Lucia Shirayuki and yes I will".I embrace my beloved Lucia as my heart's fragments begin to repair and the overwhelming feeling starts and so does our future together.

XY loves XX

It runs in circles, night sleep to me becomes unattractive and I start searching for cute faces to melt my heart. My body doesn't ache but its sluggish as its positioned in a stiff chair. Ahh! its very bothersome. I'm becoming a murderer as dead fly's bodies are smeared across my computer. I'm left with the mind of trained assassin as my skills improve. The soft light slips through window blinds bit by bit. My shadow is shown making friends with imaginary objects. I start to believe you are with me, it makes my heart giggle"warau"and it tickles. But realizing its a lie my heart screams"kiri kiri",in my hands as I fall asleep. I reserved your place on my bed with my teddy bear keeping watch. Hes a fighter so its safe but will you inherit the pillow waiting for your head? The outside growls with a soft bark and wuff. My hand slowly appears before me. My first words are japanese as I sing looking at the sky through trees abstracting my view. I want to sing at your bedside when I do. I would hang outside a window and sing "Au Revoir" wearing wax wings playing my old piano. Or reverse and have you arrive like Wonderwoman as I sing "Brise", if that ever happend I would be too bashful to let out a sigh. But I would give you a great performance. I want to see your life through the words you speak like a movie was playing. Admiring the actions and roads of life you taken. Of course all of this is my overactive imagination damaged from not listening to your advice. Like that tree interfering with my sight, Branches stretched, connected to the main body, rooted into the ground spreading. Surely I can touch you and these multiplying thoughts are beloved, lovely, heartbreaking, painful,and saddening their many colors i want you to see. They will be known as the soundtrack of my crayon heart. Play this cd on your cd player and see the images acted out on the walls. Its now time to sleep as the sound of outside is overrun by engines and people talking. I'll hide my letters under your pillow guarded by my teddy bear, to absentmindedly believe your really by my side.