I feel myself here, my doppelganger is filming me. Through its eyes I see myself on the bus home. I look deep in thought and yearning for more hours of today. I must have been happy earlier. Standing so close our thoughts are synced. I cannot feel happy when you are near I feel conceited and overwhelmed I wish I was someone else. Like him over there, not his life but his bliss makes me jealous. That girl I may never see her but I was awake to give my silent farewell, conscious enough to hope I'm stronger next time. My looks and glances were just a childish game of peek-a-boo. I couldn't find your smile so I was lead down an alley with stray cats. It's like this now, that one time, and sometime last year. Robert told me it was a failed attempt at passion. The kind I mentally feel myself fall on my face yet physically I'm standing up. I was hallucinating. Its never silent even when we don't speak and now they're not here. This place is filled with echoes without objects to cause them. For a few minutes there’s cursing over here, something is breaking over there. This place looked different even though I see it continuously it looks wider. I would dodge chairs and zig zag through like they were an obstacle course. I could stretch out my arms but there’s nothing to grab. Images escaping from my mind to fill the empty room and sounds I thought I forgot. No more loud noise to drown out my thoughts now I feel like a speaker. Take me home in your car I'm scared of waiting on the bus stop alone. It's my home away from home where my animus sits on a rail pointing over the hill. If I stay here and daydream, I might make an imaginary friend to comfort me. Yet I would ask "friend are you breathing I can not feel a heartbeat, are you cold blooded I'm getting no warmth from your hands". I often thought it would be cool to but I cannot sing without you. The sun couldn't shine brightly if Mercury wasn't there beside it. Searching for warmth that is not rationed, a hope in a constant state I believe we can experience that again. With you it reminds me of when I could love myself for who I was. All of us together were an immense sun. Like precious jewels I'm not the only one who treasures these memories. I want to see you all again into old days I hope we walk together. The end signifies something shall begin shortly. The bus ride home was an intermission.
"Re-edit"
I wish to rewrite the memory of my former love in a way that's not so usual. At first I had nothing but hate for her. The repeating cycle of infatuation - obsession - devoted emotions - trial - separation - hate come in different ways vary in duration. Though life and time has occupied me so much I've forgotten how to feel such a way. With just a few taps on a keyboard and clicks I see how much you've changed. She's just as beautiful in these pictures as she in my eyes. What have you done over the years? How are you? It's been so long since I've seen you!! Questions that sound like its a high school reunion. I remember how we looked then and compare it to our present appearances. She's grown up maturely with a body that shows me that puberty has done its job well. Even so i use to hug her closely and call her baby. If I look behind me I see a crying puppet held by faulty strings. Now I'm a scientist who makes homunculus in Florence, Italy. If I ever contact her I would tell her a story stuffed with lies. I would recreate us because if I talk to her now she'll recognize me. Reworked and fabricated, human love could exist for us once again. It would start like:
The refreshing feeling of a person who reached out to me in my lowest form. A passing traveler, the sun radiantly shined with her smile and words. She was the force pushing me in a wheelchair as we cross a thousand pebbles. Into "if this moment could last forever" bliss. I too want walk strongly like you do so easily. For each word that falls short of this emotion, I want to show you even more. Like If I could be the arms that push while she sits in this mobile chair. "Years since that time the two meet, the passing traveler had disappeared". I stand on two feet quivering at the sight of an expanding path ahead. Inside of western winds I swear I felt her presence. A scent transparent yet unmoving like she's floating in the air. The moment end to quickly for a delightful ending. Like speeding cars, time was rushing forward, and inside one of those cars was you. All the dust around me made my eyes watery. After a while I appeared as someone who I never thought I'd be. He saw sadness as attractive, loneliness a melody, and abnormal as everyday. I laughed at how much your face hasn't changed. This is the reality we touch, the steps we walked away from each other.
If we could be remembered like this we would be nothing short of a classic. I thank you for the kindness.
"Penumbra"
I'd love to see you when your shadows not cast upon the ground. When I can see you clearly without dark adaptation. The sky is partially eclipsed into an impure mixture of black and white. The handsome sight of gray shown by penumbra. Consuming my room like paint that’s splattered on the walls, running down and over. The appliances that shed their respective shadows lose their importance as the light goes out. The towels with winter linen folded near my bed form a fat face with a sagging expression and big lips. I pout and roll over to snuggle a little deeper into the covers. The clock looks as if its being pushed further away. Moving my toes closer to me and readjusting my pillows, a freezing night will bring nightmares. Dry ice spreading across the floor and walls erasing the moments of life I just lived. I wonder what will happen to my posters and belongings if they disappear forever? An impromptu script has been prepared for me. It is already into the mid AM hours and I cannot believe the fantasies. Someone lied to me about the light of dawn being a sign of hope, I point outside my window at a figure hanging from the tree. Of what I remember the previous day felt shallow. It didn't seem as though I left this place at all. They would think of new words to slander me and put me on display as I'm disgraced. Even though our words sound the same I can not understand you. My place if anywhere is not here. The square formation of stone walls in which I sleep is my true home. A conscious that thrives in solitude, no one else shall enter. On a day which it neither rains or shines, penumbra is delicate. I'll yell out the window for you. I will leave my room and wander the streets to return nevermore.
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