Originally the “Boku Kaishuu” series ended with 5 parts. This work was to symbolize the closing of a parade of my unrequited love which was “Boku Kaishuu”. From here forward I expanded my creativity, topics, and made improvements to writing. I never regretted blogging.
Unsatisfying Sample
Prototypes of a women who I could love, among the daydreams that collide with the daily routine. It felt as if they were real. Lingering on the edge of reality ideas wait for thoughts to find them. I mark the calendar and write a summary, today was unsuccessful carrying on like the rest. Add it among the pile and notes to reflect the pros and cons in a blog. This strategy didn’t work out, no one thought this was genuine, or add tweaks to this step. Yes! it seems very analytical and experimenting with each new concept. I thought back judged myself to people of the past and question what I’ve been doing all this time. I remembered someone’s words and believed myself I wish it were possible. I too, hypothetically would rather leave a woman when we still feel passion for one another. At which end to were I know I could no longer please her. For us to leave when our prime has yet to expire than drag an old corpse. Preserve whatever is left and depart knowing we did our best. Don’t feel remorse former courtesan, its just that our affair did not sustain us until death. Somehow along the way we discovered we were incompatible and from here we’ll reach out to others. We could leave our hearts burning with passion and not jilted in the hands of another.
Or in another way;
a man and woman who do not claim the other are complete strangers who board a public bus to their separate destinations. I would glance outside the window and off the glass in my peripheral vision she sits. Because she is here I thought the Sun would set an hour earlier and take back more warmth. Do not fear I’m not the aggressive type, sometimes it is my weakness but I’m waiting for something to hit me. Is it a word, catchy phrases, action, thought, push, or resolution? I think my tongue has gone dry and can no longer speed up her breathing so now my eyes have taken its luster. I laugh about my shortcomings as the bus detours from its original route. I give up my masculine facade and procrastination kills the moment of possibility. These thoughts outline an image, its not whole nor am I.
Wakarimashita
I don’t know you but somehow you’re familiar in past tense...
I begin to recklessly repeat these words but only "I miss You" is an echo which cannot be stopped. This "you" I'm sure you have slowly slipped through my fingers as it gently fell without sound. Only remnants remain I begin to question what these emotions doing there. A fragile touch and stealthy appearance. If in physical form I found you on a bus and entertained you mating calls? I’m sure you'll leave as fast as you came. If I spent the night with my body bloated with a euphoric liquid and you were there, I’m sure in the morning my vomiting would be your alarm clock. Holding my weak body guide me as my left eye sees fantasies and right eye on the incoming door. Would it be great if i confess to you?if you think too compassionately not to hurt me will it be a lie? I feel myself growing closer to you, I want to keep this time as we are alone conversing. You take the stage when daughters of strangers are absent,and I order my thoughts and jokes carefully. A lonely status makes window shopping an entertaining yet painful time. Beautiful daughters born of similar and older years are wonderful as looks melt my chest and expose my heart. Jokingly "she just dropped my jaw and my heart fell out lol" slowly I forget her and the cycle continues. If we met like this surely my behavior and appearance would annoy you. What’s the missing piece to a puzzle carefully solved, I sense it missing as if a wall was separating us. A feeling that even hugs, friendly smiles, and good climate continues to stand against me popping the question. Roses are red, violet is a shade of purple so were from 1-14 is your hint of blue? My red scale on the graph is inconsistent while you fit perfectly at 7. I withhold the option fill in the position of significant other to satisfy a sexual lust, you are precious to me and never want to harm due to a distracted mind. When I use to close my eyes I think I saw you,weird days even scary to me yet I remember it warmly. In a time where years counted down at the same time it moved forward I'm sure we were there. Under you’re umbrella sitting together. From our meeting on a bench such eyes of a fair beauty, our time was silent, so before you leave give me a flower. I was too shy to speak so please forgive me of my weakness. Surely I remembered it, then coming back here I can regain the memories waiting on the bench beside you. The memory wavers in search of this unknown name.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Boku Kaishuu 2(Kimi ga inaku naru)
For every story there was a scene that gave it life. A thought for each moment saturated with emotion. For every word a petal is plucked off till there is no more. Then I’ll bury them all in the ground as your voice fades. Soon I’ll water them with tears because you’ve left.
To Melt(tokasu)
On this gray day I'm going to get back my dvds from a friends house. Walking down the street my shadow disappears as to give the thought of my sins being erased and the cherry flavored twizzlers give me all smiles. Even though this trip is pointless and that door will never open I make this journey ignoring the facts. I hope this trips is worth it my Zune had charged all night. My heart yearns for companionship and a warm body other than mine to touch. Once upon a time my winter was like living on the equators line crossing the pacific ocean to Asia. And spring was me guiding my boat through the crushed icebergs and frozen waters of the arctic.. Yet this month is February, these 28 days are darkest even when morning rises, and time erodes away the mind. It's not standing still, its mocking me and showing me pictures of my x-ray with a missing heart. Today it snowed and the glow mixes with the black sky. The day I go the streets are empty and the time of mates finding and celebrating love everyone's inside having sex or cuddled together. Yet I continue walking and passing houses with filled parking lots and pictures of red and pink triangular hearts decorate stores. Walking up this hill I remember the surgery of when my heart was forcibly taken from my ribs. I waited for hours for the paramedics to arrive and the stitches didn't help stop the bursts or leaks that bled. The cold temperatures dry my tears and leaves them as ornaments on my face. Soon I arrive at my friends door with my happiest smile but I do not knock or leave the doorstep. The reason why it was pointless was that he left with his family months before. For this place will never give me the happiness I once knew of and I've lost someone and everything important to me. This world is too much alone and like this blowing snow, we are drifting farther apart.
Seiketsu(Purity)
Yumi
Days are long and disastrous I slowly see my dreams coming into view. Like a sunset of a long day its refreshing yet it tells of the darkness returning. I have music box for a heart which plays a saddening sound. Played with piano keys, flutes, and broken glass each note. The clear water looks as if its dissolving fears and returning feeling to numb bodies. So with you we'll go swimming, to enjoy the midsummer days and see you wearing a bathing suit. Into a pool I take your hand pleasing you is easy and everyday is fun by your side. Never leave me love. Jumping in for a great splash embracing your hand together we descend farther no longer needing air. The long minutes turn into hours and we grow gills to breath. The water is clear and full of chlorine. I wish for this endless dive to continue and these feelings overflow like the pressure and water around us. Through the pool pipes we are sucked into the ocean's consuming waves. Where we end up, if we will return to land, we are surrounded by this love without end. If the waters freeze our embrace shall remain and drift forever undisturbed by the world around us. Heal me with your touch, kiss, look, and words surely then those fake lies will be forgotten. I love you very much Yumi very much.
Mirai Kaigi(Future Meeting)
The words are vague but come back to lips with a simple sound and spark. Those rushing emotions filled with passion,hate, pain, and longing come clear as paint on a white wall. This returning season of when I unconsciously became lost in a place which I love by the things I loved but lost. Reaching for another women's hand, that plan was simple but finding 1 to return such affection was the hardest part. Seeing couples together and enjoying their time with special events was painful. Never so have I felt so alone when I'm surrounded on all sides. I abandoned the list of events and outside through the glass became my television. Silently cheering and hating each moment more, alone I was, alone I felt. I reach into my chest and twist the music box to play a tune to ease the mind, but the noise is greater than this little box can do so its overtaken into a whisper. This year I hope it will be better than the last, I so wish to find the warmth of a woman's hand. I've grown more fond of asian women this year for reasons that are becoming clear and I've become a member of a awesomenacious group that raves. Like that night at the carnival I hope to attract a woman and talk to her erasing my shyness. May I attract her by being myself and keep her near always, learning more of her. Your sexy body is icing to my eyes and personality is what I shall spend time learning with great interest. I hope the parties are more exciting I have upgraded and learnt an arsenal of dance moves to capture your heart and share fun with friends. May we decorate this place with a mentally infecting bliss that encompasses us together in an abstract reality. I aim to please you, whoever that may be, I look forward to finding that answer. And after reality intrudes and everything distorted is arranged I pray you never forget me and to communicate through some method.
Ikebana
With a smile and conversation this season unknown to man begins a rainy river romance. Fields of orchids, sunflowers, roses, and tulips create the ground upon which we walk. We call this season "yokka kisetsu de aetara", we couldn't come up with something more simplistic. A shiny sun feeding the plants their food and a reflection for the trees near the river.your silhouette walking gathering flowers creating bracelets and charms placed upon your wrists. The plucked plants grow as fast as they were taken and become two smaller flowers. I fell to your side blending with the scenery we fall into the flower petals hidden from sunlight. Rainy days call for nights under the waterfalls shelter and gathering leaves for bed. The rain is miniature droplets of light on the surface of the river. Illuminating the fish and life below and your beautiful face as you cuddle beside me. I love you and you love me, this season i want you to indulge in this so if it ends you can find your way back. The world outside of this is one that we will inevitably return to yet know my hearts strings will always connect. Time passes and we lavishly enjoy and talks are endlessly leaving me with smiles gasping for air and flowers highlight your young beauty. Departing to your destination a deep kiss and wish are made. You my love will surely come back,with this electronic address I call your heart and feel an errored heartbeat. To resist fading this season becomes paused keeping it colorful and alive. No monochrome colors a place where our memories were born and love blanketed us in warmth. I'm sure this meeting was memorable because your image is played on my eyelids every time I close my eyes. Your silhouette is colored standing in the wind holding flowers.
Departures and Obscure Affection
"You descended from me in autumn, so stay reborn a figure of love in spring. if only this tree survives the seasons I know, you were always by my side and our love flourished."
"See/Saw"
Playing on a seesaw your image comes into view and vanishes in cycles. As if my heart was the very ride we sat on, beating the ground and collapsing under pressure. I can it feel it more accurately bulging with blood up and down with each breath. On my knees you are raised to a level close to the sun. For just a second your image becomes my world because your my lost savior. Without words I devote myself to following you. At such a low position your eyes seeing far ignore me. As you begin condescending I sense a cold aurora and search your vacant eyes for a picture of me. With such beauty and grace my unrequited love is left without answer yet I yearn for the lying words that sound sweet. I see an entity emit a flirtatious bubble, I saw myself as that person once. I saw you in affectionate memories, I see you creating a divide between us. As I rise and reverse the place with you in the air I can see the other side has disappeared from sight and feathers spread out from behind me. It feels warmer here as if embraced in a hug. The sites beyond the trees are insight and the expanded landscape looks stitched together with yarn into a quilt. My descent begins from above the trees passing the branches and into leaves. The impact congests my left artery spraying like a water fountain coating trees in red. I see that leaves rotting at an accelerated pace outside of natures perfect circle, they no longer died in elegance but in disgust. I saw you flirting with others and tasting
their lips leaving a cherry flavor as your signature. No longer at your side we play a childish game which I believe is only to pass time. Exchanging locations once again I believe we see the different dream above the trees, we saw something same in contrast patterns. With all this knowledge it adds up slowly repeating each push and cascade they gather. Still I admire the look of my eyes and buried bracelet. Very rarely in the continuous motion I have the chance to truly accept the maroon scent of loneliness. I saw your heartbroken figure in the prairie, I see our flowers bloom out of season. I saw how the graveyard was once our garden, and this seesaw as our last scene sharing your presence.
"Silent on Stairs"
It feels weird doing this after so long like my memories run away from me as I try to recall who you were to me. Your name is there missing the link of conversation that occurred so naturally. As if opening my mouth for a breath it was so easy to respond and start digital messages. Its become like I arrive over and over at your door and the doorbell is gone. The heavy chest as I walk up each step adds pounds and now its just quick glances as I carry on. My beloved repeated songs are replaced with something else, I lose the words and alone they become scrambled. I feel that since leaving your arm that served as my branch I could grow stronger and grow up with each flap of my wings and return to thank you. Yet I miscalculated the possibility of losing my reason of doing this so it becomes meaningless. With this strength who do I wish to protect? The memory of the white dream is hidden in fields of sand. In this place I could try to rediscover it all from scratch yet I feel this sadistic reality is filled with sarcasm and failed deus ex machinas. If I put my letter in your mailbox I hope it brings you outside before winter. I view your tears like leaves during autumn. Maybe I can show you that even in sadness how beautiful you are. For I learn things that repeat sometimes need an ending and new beginning. I think this is the moral of this ending chapter, a new innovation, movement, meaning, or species to find could be the meaning of my journey.with this much extensive thinking it fades in comparison of how hard it is to talk to you. Sitting by the door I'm surrounded by dust. My moving shadow signals the day is closing and time is working. On my lonely walk home I purposely leave my Zune off because the song I would enjoy most has no flashy beat just simple words.
Boku Kaishuu 5(boku o kizu-tsuketa)
"LIFE SEARCH SURVEY"
In this embrace our reasons become loveless. Not even pleasant actions can make it prettier. This world is just a snow globe filled with ornaments. With a strong bond it feels as if we'll meet. This constant spinning yet attached to gravel. As i throw paper airplanes they end up in a pile on the other side of the fence. My expiration date after birth I'm glad I don't but before it happens what will I do with my life? I thought you knew of some part-time job or great drinks to try as I wait for the answer. You always pace around the room in confusion while I'm in the bathroom ignoring you. A sunshine after a rainstorm is like getting my hair done for work. This time with you makes it all seem clearer as you watch me leave for work. Not a lot of things I know, do, say, listen to are meaningful but i live to protect what is most important. In this I may find a purpose and a career to pursue. The DNA of my skin and race irate me its like being dirtied with negative words and actions that categorize me without my permission. I wonder if I should make that my life's mission, become a scientist and start myself as a new race and reproduce with selected women, nothing serious but just plain sexual entertainment. Surely Dolly was at this place in life a couple years ago. I found her old queen sized bed in the alley when I dumped my old twin sized bed. Dolly never told me why but I am starting to understand. I can't feel up the empty when I'm half full, I lack the backup plan,when the mainframe fails.
"SUIMIN'YAKU"
みてください
いってくだし
もういちどください
かいてください。またよるわたしわはねむらないで、かなしいですよ
Wavering in chairs the energy for twisted thoughts to write about are low. I swallow 2 nickels and teaspoon of mercury. A song similar to what I would write fills my room with musical instruments as my room turns into karaoke with me singing. My trash can state of mind is being emptied with foreign words as the bass aligns with the symbols and guitar lead takes the song into a solo. As the music continues look at me, say it, repeat it with me. The walls are rearranged and we are split up. Repositioned killing increased my sins as dead bugs lay around me. Is this the color my sins created and blended together? The song changes and I'm confessing the murder of insect nephews, moms, cousins, and dads leaving evidence for the final moment of surrender. The sins outweigh good deeds and my body is dyed to black. Falling into a trap door I'm formally dressed with a woman in hand. A last waltz under a chandelier with you tonight is growing and further is my desperation for an answer. For you I'll give my all, by this hymn night slowly sways for two strangers. Soon a hymn is silent as I search for a way out a bottle. If I shake will it break? If I climb will I fall? Questions float as my vision is fleeting, lungs starve soon I feel nothing. An unknown location I am floating and limbs animated with string posed abnormally. The puppet thought of this as dust became thick and piled. Reuse me my purpose is not yet achieved my warranty is renewable as myself. Illusions play and my insides erode.
"Contact"
Where should we go? I ask as if I was talking to someone else. The wind blows pushing my hair dressing my animated shadow. Loneliness is attached to me, a friend I'm use to entertaining and hating for hours. An interruption in sleep as my bed is covered with dust. What promises did I make to lost loves? Hating me as everything was probably forfeited when our decisions differed and thought of each other as scum. The words don't always come to mind and I wish to remember you with feelings. The greater the feeling your revival in my life will never end. Cells releasing fluid threw veins fetch your forgotten smiles and picture less laughter. I will always remember you in audio less bliss. Distancing eyes search for where you are on this large aquarium planet.I could love you standing across the street, peeking through trees your face is shown. Your mean as I dream of you my mind creates static. Our meeting was random and stitched into my DNA as words became a fetus. Growing inside me it was something I wanted to protect always. I can finally root and cheer for you feeling less pain from memories buried. I saw you in many paintings and they show me what you exactly meant. My super heroine, friend, attractive person, person of a which I kept a silent love hide in my pocket. Looking up and gazing upon an open scenery do you wish to see me? Are you missing me? These words I never want to tell you for fear of hurting what was made. So I'll slip note after note with a hint i want you to catch.surely we both are clothed in mystery and secrets never shared, which I find attractive. I touch the fetus as it ages it becomes beautiful. In this changing world I pray for you, never forget this egg and your ability to fly. The cellular egg shall become a place I hide to remember submerged in precious memories. Whether the phone call was answered or not never have I regretted trying.
"Koubashii Basho de"
Walking along a dirt path our imagination transforms the scenery, with Claire softly holding hands. Wind whispering our theme as we walk, overused fancy phrases stir up childish smiles dipping them into paint placed on the path we walk. I feel reborn laughing this much its hard to stand. What games shall we play to waste time? Seeing you this way is too rare I want capture your image forever with eyes in which you are true beauty, in a wooden frame at my bedside. Displaced sheets, small apartment on the 4th floor, a compact place to keep my love close, a place to be happy. Wind smells sweet erasing our separate scents into one. Our destiny continues as 2 produce 1 seed placed in a vine swing. Set upon the child's wrist is a charm in which "Irogoto no Ko"is written. I embrace this child for we both raise and love its presence encased in a hug we 3 become closer. The song I sing resounds and a chorus is heard away in a distance. The surrounding is familiar as memories of our first meeting show before me. My hair has grown longer and the baby in my arms is now a mature man standing behind me. My dear Claire's beauty is untouched but has aged and looking into her eyes my image is reflected. Time has aged us Claire our walk together is ending, yet I wish for it to repeat. My selfish thinking is stopped as I look upon my son. My life will end yet live on in the memories and precious moments spent with my son on this journey. We share our last loved words and hugs with our son. Claire and I carve our names in a tree and join together sharing a kissing embrace vanishing slowly in beautiful air.
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