Quotes 2

"I want to break up while i can still say i love you."

Shindou Chihiro (Ef: A Tale of Memories)

"Because she learned about happiness, she feels lonely for the first time. And because she knows unhappiness, she understands happiness for the first time."

(Ef: A Tale of Memories)

"Know much about purgatory? It's the world we live in now, and Halloween is the day a damned soul in purgatory can be released into heaven, if he prays hard enough. Say your prayers."

Vincent Volaju (Cowboy Bebop: The Movie)

"If there is a god in this world, I'd like to ask one wish. Devine retribution to all those who take freedom away."

Spike Spiegel (Cowboy Bebop)

"I was younger then, I wasn’t afraid of anything, I didn’t think about dying for a second. I thought I was invincible. Then I met some girl. I wanted to live, I started to think like that; for the first time I was afraid of death. I had never felt like that before."

Spike Spiegel (Cowboy Bebop)

"Do you know what the greatest and worst invention that humans ever made was? Television. Television controls people using information and steals their sense of reality. Yes. Now television itself is a religion."

Dr Londes (Cowboy Bebop)

"He told me...that which is incomplete seeks completion...yet...that which is incomplete is no better than that which is complete. Do you understand?"

Argentine (D.N.Angel)

"When something is gained, something is always lost. It is impossible to live without facing that fact. What is lost will never return. Important things. Irreplaceable things. The things necessary to protect those things. The firm determination packed into a bullet. Man knows... knows that nothing will begin unless he speaks. That nothing will change unless he moves."

(Cowboy Bebop)

"That time, were you also lonely?

Thinking of my small self, I can't sleep today either

If we could at least meet in dreams..."

(Hajimari no Hi, Minawo)

‎"Relationship is understanding. It is a process of self-revelation. Relationship is the mirror in which you discover yourself-to be is to be related."

-Bruce Lee-

"There are people in this world who enjoy being alone. But there isn't a single person who can bear solitude."

(Fairy Tail)

The Horizon Liquefies

Without cooling the fireflies in the air flutter and swirl. In need they return me to a place of peace. Void of animated life, an open view in which I wondered what was there. Somehow this will become common, here I live its pleasurable. The sky and sea become like intertwined fingers. The skies ripple with each wave of my hands. Swiftly, I caught a couple of fireflies flying about into my hands. Ran into the water until it reached my chest. I put my hands in the water and quickly opened them. The fireflies kept still and weary of the new environment. Gently I pushed the current under their wings and watched them scatter in separate directions. I can't look away from the eyes that arose from the watery depths. Pulling at me with unwavering attraction, selfishly demanding all attention. I can't look away from my reflection. Who could love me more than I? Paralysis of will to move or speak. Is that really me? Is this the way I've been all along? What will become of me from here on? The fireflies lift me out of the water and levitate me over the waters surface. Looking at the image this way, it doesn't feel so shallow, theres a great depth to be explored. It's disguising the iceberg hidden in the pitch black night. I drift above the firefly net and head back to the shore. I looked around for a place to make camp. I dug a place in the sand, arranged the leaves, folded clothes as a pillow. I laid down and positioned myself for sleep. A lonely cat approached me steadily appearing from the bushes. I looked and extended my open hand towards it. For a long time we stayed like this, the cat stood cautious of my fatigued stretching arm. "It's hard to bring a conclusion to something we haven't even started, yet giving up halfway leaves regretful thoughts" I said. "So I'll try without defeating myself before it starts and reach out to you" I said to the cat. "With you in my eyes I know what I should do. I'll make a foundation upon which I'll begin my travels. Jumping from moon to moon, a star as my campfire, packing dust into black holes. Of all this I won't forget you, you'll be my safe-haven among disorder. So little I know about you leaving room for questions and discovery" I said while blabbering words. I withdrew my arm and rolled over on my belly the cat's eyes gazed into mine. A fascinating cat it was, the sky was refracted and focused in it's pupils. "Truthfully"as I whispered ,"I cannot journey for right now I lack tools that will advance me in your direction. Who I am or will be one day I want you to know". My consciousness began to fade, the cat sat still. The sand was dazzling under a waning crescent.

I haven't left without reason

I'm currently in school and dealing with the stress and every other thing that accompanies it. I'm currently working on a story with a fellow friend named Usagi. I have plan on how its going to go but I wanna get an agreeable way of how it should be. I'll be co-writing it so I'll post it when done. Thanks for hanging with me up till now much appreciated. Also trying for employment need money for future expenses.

A present for her

I'll always be weak for you. Speechless I loved you, I hated you. It started with you the long gaze across the field grew from the faraway glances down the hallway as we separated ourselves further. I wrote something for you praising your existence, I think it was well wrote. From afar still I wish you the best on this special day. You could tell me you don't love me and I would know full well. Same here I do not feel that way for you. You knew the form I held before they pulled me away from you and locked the door as I was kicked out. I could have loved you more in that form. Its the leftover feelings and regret that never loses their luster and hardly fade. I didn't say goodbye and wave. I'm ashamed truly if you saw me. You don't love "me" but "me" of then. My afterschool crush now that I'm yearning for love I can remember you at the beginning of it all. I want you even now before it became complicated. Relationships, friends, responsibilities I never asked for all the hassle. It became the hardest thing to do and I lost it all. Attempting to fullfil teenage impulses I grew up and forgot it all. We lost our hiding place among evening hours as they exposed and played with our secret. If she doesn't love me anymore I want to know after I leave, but if she feels something lingering on inside I'll stay and wait the whole night until she can answer. Happy Birthday.

Nostalgia

You were magnificent,

who ever said I wanted you to change.

It was so ambigious the feeling you gave me.

So without words you made it for us both

to enjoy without revealing how we felt.

Change, why are we so scared of it?

Why does it come at the worst times?

I saw you, I thought of saying hello.

Never said when needed neither does

it feel right to do such. I just

remember your back as you played.

You made me feel anew. I would sit on

the bench beside you and stare outside

the window. At times I'd try as you looked

on. Whether it sounded sad or happy you

always smiled when pressing the piano

keys. I can only hope those days return.

It's all I desired after you left.

The festival flourished tonight

"Outlook from the Train station"

Into the void which pulls me I feel detached from it all. On paper before thoughts escape I write to tell you. Before parts resupply an empty vessel. With numbing cheeks I love you. To no one I love you. An image I create I love you. The walls weaken and reveal my dearest secrets before anyone else let my feelings be known. Voiced loudly and bowing for the grand performance. If it is not there it will one day reach you on the way home. At dawn everything will reset I’ll be someone who hides in shame. In repressed thoughts to one who the subconscious directs I love you still. In letters soaked with liquor the truth is clearly told. I always have, probably more.

"Now"

If you could believe me now, while I'm like this you'll know my true intentions. This state could be the "place" I've wanted to talk with you. It all shall flow, falling deeper pulling forth truth. Released like drool from under the tongue, slipping threw lips. My voice will be louder than a whisper. At the end I'll run home and dive face first into a pillow. Somehow its more than my cheeks that feel warm and rosy red.

"Unsatisfying Sample"

Prototypes of a women who I could love, among the daydreams that collide with the daily routine. It felt as if they were real. Lingering on the edge of reality ideas wait for thoughts to find them. I mark the calendar and write a summary, today was unsuccessful carrying on like the rest. Add it among the pile and notes to reflect the pros and cons in a blog. This strategy didn’t work out, no one thought this was genuine, or add tweaks to this step. Yes! it seems very analytical and experimenting with each new concept. I thought back judged myself to people of the past and question what I’ve been doing all this time. I remembered someone’s words and believed myself I wish it were possible. I too, hypothetically would rather leave a woman when we still feel passion for one another. At which end to were I know I could no longer please her. For us to leave when our prime has yet to expire than drag an old corpse. Preserve whatever is left and depart knowing we did our best. Don’t feel remorse former courtesan, its just that our affair did not sustain us until death. Somehow along the way we discovered we were incompatible and from here we’ll reach out to others. We could leave our hearts burning with passion and not jilted in the hands of another. In another way, man and woman do not claim the other yet are complete strangers who board a public bus to their separate destinations. I would glance outside the window and off the glass in my peripheral vision she sits. Because she is here I thought the Sun would set an hour earlier and take back more warmth. Do not fear I’m not the aggressive type, sometimes it is my weakness but I’m waiting for something to hit me. Is it a word, catchy phrases, action, thought, push, or resolution? I think my tongue has gone dry and can no longer speed up her breathing so now my eyes have taken its luster. I laugh about my shortcomings as the bus detours from its original route. I give up my masculine facade and procrastination kills the moment of possibility. These thoughts outline an image, its not whole nor am I.

"

It slowly draws an image

Through the gate, across the roaring sands where the darkness couldn't touch,

and light didn't bind. Arrived at a wonderful place but rejected me.

So from here I'll be reaching out wondering why.

"Kippu"

What are you thinking of unknown lover? I draw a blurry image because the answers not certain and drawing a strangers face especially one that I will one day love is not easy. Do I sneeze because your thinking of me? Is it my allergies playing with me, are you blowing your scent into the wind? Is it a sign that you noticed my thread spread so thinly is caught in your grip. Under the same moon, the thought of meeting for the first time that your smiling and anticipating would I also smile too? If its true then I’ll believe it without question and draw strength from your joy. Under this sky we're connected yet for all my life I never met you is disappointing. My imagination of you would combine the best parts and features of beautiful women and I’m not specific about breast size or butt shape either, I’ll let those be random. A personality more common with mines and similarities so that I could even love you if you were my friend. May you have a love of anime ,manga ,a cool attitude, funny jokes and sayings, and a mysterious yet interesting mind and behavior. But the personality I’m sure I’ll love and we'll get along just great together. I don’t wanna throw things into long-term too fast but if I start to, restart my thought process with a single word. May we talk out a lot of things and may I get to know you more personally each day. Always convey to me the same attitude as usual never hiding your true intentions or feelings unless your just playing around. My body is built strong but heart is a fragile glass vase. Mold it and transform it into in ceramic and clay so that your hands can create a new solid shape. I don’t know who you are lovely women of whom I love, but I love you and hope you come before the beautiful yet sad white snow of shiwasu.

"Division of Fate"

Discover with me how I became a dissociative disorder, or rather a division of fate from a life of normal living. Scared by the doctors words I seek relief with paid fare to the carnival. So bland and casual a night I felt it colliding with my insecure pride. Flashing lights and neon lights shining fit for a lantern on an empty night that I was overcome and distracted without noticing I’ve arrived at a point on the map. In disbelief I’m surrounded by 3 mirrors and 1 with a veil.3 mirrors show my alter ego in different dimensions coexisting I watch them speechless as the still images are unpaused.

"Among the stars like sepias” if I repeat these words will it bring them closer to me? I look up to the brilliant moon becoming a nightlight in the darkness of early morning. I’m jealous of you as millions of stars flock to see you shine. But on cloudy nights your figure is lonely like myself. I raise my hand and the moon is fits in my palm. I push forward and a window stops my hand. Moon is magnificent yet this glass window is like gravity, clear yet its presence is everywhere. Is the thing keeping me from happiness this invisible yet heavy burden? Looking at you I only remember "07:04".

I begin thinking of this as a second mirror activates…

"My life is aligned with lustful desire, I can’t clearly remember when it began. People say lies are bad but they make the night with a swinging partner easier and sown together to accomplish what I need. Adore my hair and its radiant shine, silky texture with a closer look you can see names of sins I committed to get want I possess written on each strand. There is no love in me never has it been said and truly meant. Only with fake emotions and shallow meaning did I ever say it. Besides this I’m an ok guy, its just with my allure I’ll have want I and if it sparkles in my eyes I’ll chase it. But I’ll give you a hint and tell you I was born at "07:04".

The reappearing numbers sound confusing yet their words I start to slowly understand…

"I have buried my love here, I’m sure she would be pleased to return here but if only things were different. Softly holding your corpse in my arms seeing your facial color slowly change I couldn't help but to wet your face with tears. I skimmed the past, the fast forwarded surrounding emptied more sand into the cradle. Spinning time in the cradle our years together seemed to fade and only the joyous intro and saddening conclusion could be remembered. Share with me your last few words and breathe into me your last breath I want to be with you forever. In the end "forever" was just an ideal compromised of our exchanged feelings. I hear a woman quietly speaking, I look up to see you returning to the sky. Monochrome film replays our joyous intro as I remember "07:04".

As the third mirrors story stops they shatter and the room is quiet with only a mirror hidden behind a falling veil to show my face. In room 0704 the carnival has been erased.

Quotes I greatly admire

"Just like there's a right place for everything around me, there must be the right place for me somewhere in this world. Right, somewhere in this world. That's what I believe"

(Right Place, Sekine Kosai).

Mary and Modred

into the ridge wood,

red white and gold,

we're just anointed,

we're just a haunted,

sighing sighing star,

miath marka riha?,

until evergreen.

(Green Bird, Cowboy Bebop)

"A boy has the right to dream.

Endless possibilities stretch out before him.

What awaits him down the path he will choose?

The boy doesn't know.

Before he knows it, the boy has become an adult...

...and he learns what he was able to make of himself.

Joy and sadness accompany this.

When this happens, does he bid his past farewell in his heart?

Once a boy becomes an adult, he cannot go back to being a boy.

The boy is now a man.

Only one thing can be said:

A boy has the right to dream.

Endless possibilities stretch out before him.

All men were once boys."

(Outlaw Star)

"THE ADVENTURE NEVER ENDS_

WE'LL SET OFF ON A JOURNEY

SOMETIME SOMEWHERE

TO THE STARS AGAIN.

AND THE NEW ADVENTURES WILL BEGIN"

(Outlaw Star)

"THAT WHICH WAS LOST IN EXCHANGE FOR KNOWLEDGE. THAT WHICH IS MOST IMPORTANT TO US, AND YET THAT WE CAN NEVER GRASP WHILE WE WALK AMONG THE LIVING. WE CANNOT GRASP IT. AND YET,AND YET, DO YOU STILL TELL US THAT WE MUST STRIVE TO REACH IT?! OH FATHER OF HEAVEN"

(VINLAND SAGA)

"Always searching for something

Always wishing for something

Let me go further into the depths

Let me feel the meaning more

Let me be nothing

Let me be the universe

Breaking everything

Having everything

I lay down everything for you and this love"

(LOOPER, LUNA SEA)

"If there’s something you can do, you do it. That’s how you embrace your destiny"

Straight Cougar (S-CRY-ed)

"I too am alone. It's sad being alone. It's painful. I felt that way too. But if we're together, at times we may hurt each other, and we may even part. But, that is not the end. I'll always be with you."

Hitomi Kanzaki (Vision of Escaflowne)

"

They say there is no such place as Paradise. Even if you search to the ends of the Earth, there's nothing at all. No matter how far you walk, it's just the same road, it just goes on and on. But in spite of that...Why am I so driven to find it?."

Kiba (Wolf's Rain)

more to come....

Boku Kaishuu 3(Wandering Perception)

"From Reality to Fiction"

I’m unsure of how to tell her...how to remind her that it wasn’t a legend but that it existed for us both. Sitting here wondering of where, how, and why for the long years and events in which we existed and your sudden absence I don’t understand it all even now. We were together once before and yet for that bond to be gone with just one problem there had to be something deeper. Nothing is soothing away the pain of my desire to be by your side once more. The bottle of endless emotions is surely being stirred, dripping out and I no longer have the courage to carry such a proud face. Music is helping, though the sound waves ease my heart they can’t possibly reverse time to stop what broke us apart from occurring. Her existence shielded me from the world, among all my failed dreams and loves I was certain she was the answer to all my pain. Her love was a system of needles dosing me with stimulants through each vein to my organs. I find myself calling her phone over and over again leaving messages that were never listened to only add up and later deleted. The memories of love replay as a romantic movie in my mind slipping out as tears and mixing with snout running from my nose. Leaving a crude taste it reminded me of a song of how I’m nothing, my love was gone forever, and memories shut away never to remember. As if pain left it turned to joy as I repeated these words. My future looked lonely and I will experience symptoms of an anxiety disorder. From my science lab, I fetch my grande elixir and virtual reality helmet. I fear this world and all that’s become of me. Everything I’ve touched becomes brittle and takes away from me the happiness I long for. In this chair I drink my elixir and put on my helmet, I don’t care anymore of this world. If fabricated happiness can exist as an illusion then surely I’ll abandon this decaying body as well.

"Cabinet File Reality"

In this perfect world, I’m what you could say a leaf in pile, a blade of grass on a plain, a grain of sand on a beach. Nothing special about me or the people around sticking to a constant code for greatness efficiency and production. This life is a wasted breath. My emotions only exhibit professional gestures and behavior. My dreams are manufactured and designed to suppress anger and other bad emotions. My lifestyle has already been determined for me as a career I’m a scientist. Instructed with teaching programmed youth into future successful people. I found the courage to write you this pen pal to warn you never allow your world and life to become like mines. Talking bad about our government and way of life is forbidden and punishable by death. Once I was like you, full of true emotions, living on dreams, and falling in love, but it all ended with the theory of forever ending war. The law passed and the chemical gas was spread airborne across the world. For years the disputes of the war rapidly ended and world peace was no longer a wasted wish. The chemical spread through family blood lines for many generations and soon marriages, engagements, and relationships drastically reduced. The once human overpopulated world of trillions was fading into thousands and decreasing. So both egg and sperm combined in science labs to breed humans. Their entire structure was manipulated to fit certain features and cellular levels immune to viruses. Soon the uprisings of clones appeared outnumbering original humans 100 to 1.no matter how beautiful this world has become, I myself have become an endangered species overrun by irregular perfection of scientific technology. With emotional conviction the idea of this world existing was made. But at the cost of killing that exact passion makes this peace meaningless. I was the designer of the chemical potion that made the world this way. Its my greatest achievement and biggest regret. Living in this mundane world, everything feels plastic as its covered with metal lacking a soul. Uninteresting and fake its something pen pal I don’t want you to go through. Its too late now for this world so with this electronic transfer I’ve written the counter-formula to the chemical. I will continue on in this world facing the consequences of my actions, hopefully what happened here wont happen again.

Koinzell Ascherit

"Nocturne in Moonlight"

If I woke up from this it all will be forgotten, and this place just a lost memory. Among this iceberg I’m only cracking the bits of its surface. Unable to go any deeper it seems futile. The path to finding these answers and arriving at dead end mazes without cease. My heart may return or be recreated or live its life out in my jar inside a refrigerator. The crippling feelings overrun the boundaries spilling and sometimes its struck by forces i cant control. Pouring down rain and stuffed into my precious cup. Cracks burst all over and empty out for all to see yet never help and fooled by an illusion of sanity. The warped dreams morph the mind twisting, squishing it dry of blood. The chest is a storage room for regrets and hate gained over time. The music box is stressed and filled with an incomplete collection. This world is bright as it serves me sarcasm and gives melancholy. I’m changing and this song becomes my best friend, withdrawn from me precious things and i start killing my senses 1 by 1.this room becomes my barrier. With a deceptive love, this world force-feeds me candies to fill and quiet my constant babbling. There unsatisfying taste and has a repulsive side effects. I don’t want to be spoiled with useless words or action. If the interior is distorted and is not operated on, then how will dressing a corpse bring back its soul? How much longer must i play the doctor performing emergency operations? The more i experiment with cures and antidotes i feel there must be answer to this problem, even though it continues on like long division leaving a new part needed to be solved. As the sun and moon take turns spinning around me, I wonder how much more will i be troubled by life if i leave this room?

The past is being washed away, pieces of me with it

"Boku wa"

Through a door pass the relics on the shelves and approach a table. A meeting void of various ways to say goodbye, your not evanescent like a leaf in autumn. If you ever should depart, write your name under a picture you draw. A memory you drew and a name to call it. Silhouettes that sit after removing skin like clothes, leaving imprints in the cushion of a chair. Seated around figures of intimate lovers. How happy I would be with my love in a wax statue. breathing slowly with hearts never to part it could be true love. I feel sad but today holds meaning if I can hold onto hope. Saying words to move your heart like a ship on the sea. Pulling words together to form psychological meaning. Moving within premonitions and hypothesis I know something exists between us more than air and space. I live in an abstract world outside your glass windows. The wall erodes in bits and a key is turning inside the door. A turtle teaches me patience. An owl preaches knowledge and a silent tongue. A prayer for it to fit together and float in my hands. I've changed but I want to be remembered always as who you first met and knew. Its just that before changing was an option, yet adaptability became mandatory as age brought responsibilities. Somehow I have to live this dream. I'm jealous when I see my instructors speaking so fluently of their academic knowledge. I want to experience the same satisfaction and joy. There’s a soft boom boom sound inside my chest. I think its some kind of Morse code. I wrote of a person I want to be, and sometimes a life that should never exist. The neuron camera in my limbic system written on electric paper. My existence becomes a Playing Photo.

"Dispositional Attribution"

I can't put the words together so if it doesn't make sense just act as if it you're going along with it. Beating around the bush a game we all can do. The litter box smells of dry urine as I stretch out on the floor. The air freshener can not fall here. How does your perception see me? No not today I don't wanna hear of any heroes or martial artists. Your displeased attitude won't make me feel bad. Grant me peace and let me walk astray. A cat who sometimes forgets he has a home except when its time to eat. I made a mess, he slaps my paws, afterwards I feel disgraced. I watched the history channel and learned my lesson yet, this cycle continues. In an orb placed in his hand does he know what face I'm making? Spin round, round, round, round, round now look through this slide projector. Is it what my eyes love to see? I don't believe it is.

"Displacement"

His words spoken in a musical note, a lead and bass of a pulled string and drum beating like a heart. We write differently yet perceive it similarly. Tales of his life as he speaks I think of him as my mentor. They are satisfying morsels. It's fun to be there. It's only for me, the stage is filled equipment. I'm here preparing for the destined night the world would never notice. Spinning like a beyblade ripping the wind through my clothes as if it was paper. Press forth there’s something here I must have. Stretch on in the middle of this there is peace. Today what will I need to hear most? Repeating words like a spell I want to be were they are. I would like to visit Jupiter so free and limitless. It would all come together like scattered Lego pieces. The image is like this right here but what I put my hands to comes out differently. Yearning, frustration, optimistic, happiness such feelings are common household items. Do you ever feel like you say crazy more than spoon? If someone was above me I would ask them to take pictures of me swaying in and out of the tree's shade. I scream loudly like I'm a lost child, I would like to sing as good as he. I give my adrenaline, stressed muscles, and deflated lungs I want to give my best. All this energy and conviction its burning me. I want to get rid of it all and hear my inner voice say "thanks for your hard work today was productive". The concert played on like an oasis stranded in my front lawn. Evaporating as it simmered in a dying sun nothing reaches my hand. It stood still transparent there stretching its hand to me, as my voice grew smaller. A fantasy I created to escape myself today. There's a day like this every so often and I'm mistakenly becoming ignorant of something important. Or rather something that’s losing its use and adjusting to an undesirable lifestyle. Tonight I should pray for a better future if not I could lose everything.

"I heard an Airplane flying"

I sleep on the same bed as my friend. At the foot I sleep facing the edge, while he sleeps at the head. It is our world. My cat rests in a hole, he comes out for food and water then returns. Rarely outside in summer, I think he wants to be a turtle. A church built of limestone in a Romanesque structure smells of ivory. An agnostic sinned in a Christian bath. Women become passive when men deliver white roses to their front doors. People line up at wishing ponds with their quarters. The bank sends a debt collector at night to the ponds to gather it all. To me history is written by the observers, victorious, and story tellers, and a museum is a large textbook with interactive features. If you walk slowly to a set destination you will find creative words to say. I said once to my friend "I should abandon my temporary life here and move west. I’ve become disenchanted lying in this position. Because things have shifted the empty space is filled with desire. I heard rumors of men dancing on the lakes with their lady friends in ruby glass shoes. Oh I want a pair, I'll keep'em clean and shiny. We should go together and leave this place. I'd find a woman named Julia or something like that and when we get married you will be the best man." Jokingly he replied, "so is Julia the girl you talk about when your sleeping, you think she lives in the west? Maybe tomorrow we can start packing up. A handful of quarters won't get you a hundred dollars, but lets see how far it can stretch." As the day flows on mermaids fish for lost sailors drifting from sunken ships. A seductive fragrance at first glance means the end of his days. If she smells of lavender she could be his lover. So we save up money and take a plane to cross the wide distance we couldn't walk. The workers are building a bridge to connect the islands. Before we land I wanna say "can you see me all the way up here?" I feel like I've done something important. In the air everything looks smaller and wider, on the ground the scenery is drenched with colors. I could trying living here, slowly integrating because I making a good change.

Oh! Morgenstern, Bring forth a blessing

"Halftime"

I feel myself here, my doppelganger is filming me. Through its eyes I see myself on the bus home. I look deep in thought and yearning for more hours of today. I must have been happy earlier. Standing so close our thoughts are synced. I cannot feel happy when you are near I feel conceited and overwhelmed I wish I was someone else. Like him over there, not his life but his bliss makes me jealous. That girl I may never see her but I was awake to give my silent farewell, conscious enough to hope I'm stronger next time. My looks and glances were just a childish game of peek-a-boo. I couldn't find your smile so I was lead down an alley with stray cats. It's like this now, that one time, and sometime last year. Robert told me it was a failed attempt at passion. The kind I mentally feel myself fall on my face yet physically I'm standing up. I was hallucinating. Its never silent even when we don't speak and now they're not here. This place is filled with echoes without objects to cause them. For a few minutes there’s cursing over here, something is breaking over there. This place looked different even though I see it continuously it looks wider. I would dodge chairs and zig zag through like they were an obstacle course. I could stretch out my arms but there’s nothing to grab. Images escaping from my mind to fill the empty room and sounds I thought I forgot. No more loud noise to drown out my thoughts now I feel like a speaker. Take me home in your car I'm scared of waiting on the bus stop alone. It's my home away from home where my animus sits on a rail pointing over the hill. If I stay here and daydream, I might make an imaginary friend to comfort me. Yet I would ask "friend are you breathing I can not feel a heartbeat, are you cold blooded I'm getting no warmth from your hands". I often thought it would be cool to but I cannot sing without you. The sun couldn't shine brightly if Mercury wasn't there beside it. Searching for warmth that is not rationed, a hope in a constant state I believe we can experience that again. With you it reminds me of when I could love myself for who I was. All of us together were an immense sun. Like precious jewels I'm not the only one who treasures these memories. I want to see you all again into old days I hope we walk together. The end signifies something shall begin shortly. The bus ride home was an intermission.

"Re-edit"

I wish to rewrite the memory of my former love in a way that's not so usual. At first I had nothing but hate for her. The repeating cycle of infatuation - obsession - devoted emotions - trial - separation - hate come in different ways vary in duration. Though life and time has occupied me so much I've forgotten how to feel such a way. With just a few taps on a keyboard and clicks I see how much you've changed. She's just as beautiful in these pictures as she in my eyes. What have you done over the years? How are you? It's been so long since I've seen you!! Questions that sound like its a high school reunion. I remember how we looked then and compare it to our present appearances. She's grown up maturely with a body that shows me that puberty has done its job well. Even so i use to hug her closely and call her baby. If I look behind me I see a crying puppet held by faulty strings. Now I'm a scientist who makes homunculus in Florence, Italy. If I ever contact her I would tell her a story stuffed with lies. I would recreate us because if I talk to her now she'll recognize me. Reworked and fabricated, human love could exist for us once again. It would start like:

The refreshing feeling of a person who reached out to me in my lowest form. A passing traveler, the sun radiantly shined with her smile and words. She was the force pushing me in a wheelchair as we cross a thousand pebbles. Into "if this moment could last forever" bliss. I too want walk strongly like you do so easily. For each word that falls short of this emotion, I want to show you even more. Like If I could be the arms that push while she sits in this mobile chair. "Years since that time the two meet, the passing traveler had disappeared". I stand on two feet quivering at the sight of an expanding path ahead. Inside of western winds I swear I felt her presence. A scent transparent yet unmoving like she's floating in the air. The moment end to quickly for a delightful ending. Like speeding cars, time was rushing forward, and inside one of those cars was you. All the dust around me made my eyes watery. After a while I appeared as someone who I never thought I'd be. He saw sadness as attractive, loneliness a melody, and abnormal as everyday. I laughed at how much your face hasn't changed. This is the reality we touch, the steps we walked away from each other.

If we could be remembered like this we would be nothing short of a classic. I thank you for the kindness.

"Penumbra"

I'd love to see you when your shadows not cast upon the ground. When I can see you clearly without dark adaptation. The sky is partially eclipsed into an impure mixture of black and white. The handsome sight of gray shown by penumbra. Consuming my room like paint that’s splattered on the walls, running down and over. The appliances that shed their respective shadows lose their importance as the light goes out. The towels with winter linen folded near my bed form a fat face with a sagging expression and big lips. I pout and roll over to snuggle a little deeper into the covers. The clock looks as if its being pushed further away. Moving my toes closer to me and readjusting my pillows, a freezing night will bring nightmares. Dry ice spreading across the floor and walls erasing the moments of life I just lived. I wonder what will happen to my posters and belongings if they disappear forever? An impromptu script has been prepared for me. It is already into the mid AM hours and I cannot believe the fantasies. Someone lied to me about the light of dawn being a sign of hope, I point outside my window at a figure hanging from the tree. Of what I remember the previous day felt shallow. It didn't seem as though I left this place at all. They would think of new words to slander me and put me on display as I'm disgraced. Even though our words sound the same I can not understand you. My place if anywhere is not here. The square formation of stone walls in which I sleep is my true home. A conscious that thrives in solitude, no one else shall enter. On a day which it neither rains or shines, penumbra is delicate. I'll yell out the window for you. I will leave my room and wander the streets to return nevermore.

The Evening closes Quietly

So you don't hear me whine I'll only write about common vague or spoken conversation. Don't worry so much about me, I don't think of myself so highly. I felt distraught and regret about it all. I don't understand how, I wanted to learn and move forward. It all sounds vague right? Just enough to let a topic be known yet never the full details. I keep you out while flashing problems around fast enough you can't see what's wrong with me. So many things I'm thinking about now after my 21st birthday. Maybe its too much, I'm not sure if I hold myself back from something I put my mind to will I regret it later or be in pain more than before if remembered? I feel that I want "this" but I hold myself back. When I think of will I be able to handle to do this? Am I worthy of such? Is there really an opportunity? Should I try explaining myself to her? To come clean I made a fool of myself there could this be a chance for redemption? Perhaps...I'm only thinking of me too much. Somewhere living, having problems one and the same, differences in place and time. I thought of you so I wanted you to know this and if you were fine, I enjoyed knowing the beauty of life through your eyes. So that I'm not a burden casting my doubts on you and never brag about how I am. Pushing for a next time, I wanna be strong enough, be confident so that I'll try without regret. Chances are present each moment, opportunities arise tomorrow, thoughts will fade. I will do my best to remain as the person you knew. So much is changing nowadays its easy to be subdued by it all. Dear friend, you and I are somewhere chasing our dreams, searching for something to call our own. Whimsically I hope my words reach you.

Flowers at a Venetian Ball

The Venetian masquerade flooded the streets flowing out from the Baron’s extravagant ballroom. They were celebrating a great change. In many expressive forms man created art. They stretched their hands and began counting celestial objects above them. Exploration to places walking couldn’t reach. Intrigued, I watched them dance about like children praised for their good deeds. The church bells rang out being pulled by joyous upper classmen. City hall’s windows were lit as the high counsel recorded the findings of the renaissance. I quietly watched the dancers rejoice as I held my wine glass. Suddenly, gloves my eyes and in my ear I heard “I think you’re mysterious” in a feminine voice. “I can tell that you’re beautiful, you smell of rosemary” I said as I tried removing her hands. She pulled away and ran through the crowd towards the front door. The crowd pushed me back and encircled me with one arm pointing at me. They circled me twice then pointed their arms left as a way through the crowd appeared. I ran to the front doors and into the street. To the north, I saw her at the entrance of smaller streets. “Why weren’t you dancing tonight ?” she asked then dashed away. I gave chase after her. Two blocks away she slipped into an alley. Midway there a conductor stood with both arms raised waving his baton in the air. Soon doors nearby open and men in black robes with animal faces spread out a in single line. The conductor begins to violently wave his baton so the men start running, shouting, and stomping before returning to the nearest door. The conductor has climbed the fire escape ladder and pointed me in the direction where the woman went. I continued to run on through alleys were the scent of rosemary was found. A commoner called to me and said they had a message to pass on to me. :if you wanna hold my hand again catch me” was her message and to follow the path ahead. The wind blew harder so my nose could not smell yet shredded pieces of paper made a path. The route ended at a waterway where a bridge was connecting each side of the town. There was someone silently standing. I was out of breath so I took my time and approached the person. Our eyes met and I recognized him as the old man from town centre. I would of said hi, then continued

my journey, yet as I walked by he started a conversation.

“Did you enjoy the ball? The Baron always pushes to satisfy his guests” he spoke. I halted and said “I went to support his efforts. His kindness has benefited me greatly but tonight was not enjoyable for me.” He looked surprised and asked “do you not share their happiness? Great achievements have been made by humankind, we’re farther ahead than in years of youth”. “If for all humankind then why is it only the upper class who celebrate in a luxurious dancehall rather than the whole country? It feels as if nothing good has changed we’re just finding more ways to divide ourselves. Though I did meet the most interesting of women tonight, she’s out there somewhere” I told him. “Where the dew of the sea meets the shore…”he said. “Huh!” I was taken aback at such random words. The old man walked to the edge of the stream and said “she’s waiting there”. I read his eyes saying his last thoughts as he set his boat adrift. “ I've done all I could do. I leave the rest to you, now that my soul is at peace. Farewell.”

I arrived at the church located in shire near the ocean. The doors creaked as they opened wider and saw a woman standing near the alter. “Travelers trade around these ports” I said while walking closer “and different classes of people come for religion. In a sense we’re all ingredients in a recipe.” She turned around and “you’re different from the rest, its like you’re a spoon in a drawer of knives. The presence you give off is assertive, abstract, and sympathetic.” I asked why the night long search for her and who she was. “I wanted to test your will as a man to see if you had enough determination to fight for what you desire”she answered. “I understand that but at least tell me your name. I earned that much for this trip” I pleaded. “Rosey, I’m fond of that name” she responded, “but I want to see your face. The ball ended yesterday so you can take it off”. I agreed and asked if I could see Rosey’s face too. Rosey playfully said “No, I wanna try being as mysterious as you” as she laughed. I closed my eyes as Rosey drew closer and reached for my mask. Something soft was placed in my left hand. Even softer was the three second kiss. After which Rosey asked me to keep my eyes shut and don’t open them up until the sound of her footsteps are gone. “Will I ever meet you again?” I wondered and wanted to know more about Rosey. “Yes…I’ll find you again Trowa and next time you’ll know who I really am” Rosey as she left. All is quiet so I open my eyes and my left hand. It was one her gloves from her outfit last night. I look around at the Gothic architecture. Perhaps there are things I must do with the power granted to me. Hopefully I can bring about a real change in which all can share happiness.

Footsteps in Autumn

I awake in my small apartment. The sun illuminates the room. A ceiling fan spins giving off a lukewarm breeze. Blindly searching with one hand to quiet the alarm clock. Focusing on one blade as the fan spins to give my brain a quick startup. There's alot to be done today. I'm emptying my little apartment and packing only what can fit inside two suitcases. Crawling out of bed onto the ground towards the dresser I grab a shirt and jean pants. I hoped this day would come sooner but it's better than nothing. It started with Aurelia's letter sent in the mail. I've been a fiancé for 2 years now, yet simply moving to permanently live there is looked down upon by the government in Aurelia's country. Nor is simply moving out to live with me an easy decision. Her country is like a small town in which family bonds in a backbone of their society. So leaving to live with a stranger who became Aurelia's lover would disappoint many relatives. So I've registered for citizenry and a house to live in. Although it's overwhelmingly great I feel stressed about leaving Devonshire. I was raised here, from birth to present day all the memories of my life exist in this suburban community. From age 25 to 4, I could remember it all. The changes here are small and evident but life continues on. Maybe it's just time to explore life outside of Devonshire. I could always visit home again, say hi to my parents, or just rest in the park. Aurelia would understand if I got homesick and let me go back for a short visit. All of my Furniture, tv's, and other appliance will be sold at a garage sale held by one of my neighbors. Sixty percent will go to my future expenses like buying stuff at the new house. Fourty percent is sort of a thank gift for my neighbor and afterwards we'll have a farewell party. So long its been since I could be happy about a party. Being faithful I would set a curfew and avoid going outside at night. Lecherous women slithering out of alleys prey on a vunerable man's soul. So at dinner, I would eat my food with a picture of Aurelia in front of me. I would spray her perfume over the chair, say grace, then eat. In this way, it would be easier to imagine her with me, to live a dream I hope to come true. This place is lacking a feminine touch and presence yet for now this will do. Though now the opportunity draws near to consummate our unoin into something more. Each step is kinda scary and I've never thought too seriously before getting into a relationship with Aurelia. The thought of children is cute but I'm a little uncertain of myself so soon in life. Of course my parents been rooting for a grandkid, yet after I've done my share of traveling and selfish spending I'll take it into consideration. With enough money I could make a flying carpet and we go see the sites of the world. Enjoying our youth so we can adjust to each transition carefully. Next season leaves will crumble under my feet and people wear coats snuggling for warmth. Then get a ride to the station by my parents, tell them I love them and board the train. As it departs I'll wave bye and let my hand slowly slide down the window when they are no longer in sight. They'll visit in a few months yet its okay if I tear up a little. The guy on the tv commercial is a smooth operator, his speech cheers me up. Aurelia your love is golden, a radiant color like autumn leaves.

A Doll who knows My secrets

"A Doll who knows My secrets"

Dear Diary,

I'm able to write something today. Without rushing to write down as many words as possible before a song ends. Yes! the words were meaningful and meant so many things that I related them to. I'm working on my self-esteem and proper study skills. I'm still dating Seul in an open relationship of taciturn affection. In a cycle that forms a triangle with three points. I search for another ignoring Seul's cries for attention, only to return if the person does not fullfil me. My Seul, she does not complete me but I cannot live with or without her. I can only offer human love to her because the "love" my parents speak of is too far beyond my reach. You know, the captivating scenery when looking out in the distance. The feeling burns strong and wide. I place my hope inside of its vast range. I wasted my time at the mall today bored from all the people constantly staring at me like I'm a poster. I followed two girls into a womans clothing store and browsed among the salesroom floor. I thought I would see some clothes to add to my own closet but I found a mannequin looking spectacular with a dull expression. I approached in a way not to cause a disturbance to others and stood two steps away. If boredom is a sin befitting me can I ask you to join me? You who does not hear, eyes that cannot see I need your time so that I can tell you my secrets. You shall be called Chane for now because the title "mannequin" doesn't match your elegance in that dress. With a heart that doesn't love and never hurt Chane is unique. You've never been entangled by fancy words to find your reasons for loving false. I've repeated without rest to heal when my heart is hurting. Which partner will come next and how much I cry when she exits? Plucking flower petals to get an answer as I second guess her company in our human love agreement. I called it "human love" Chane because humans are flawed, at times violent, and, foolish but "love" is not. We become blinded and lose focus of our commitment in times of adversity and difference. If it ends after infatuation stops pumping hormones it was temporary bliss. If they found something slighty deeper but their obsession with each others bodies outweighs the heart then its cohabitation. If their commitment encases the feelings of the vast horizonthen they have true love. Youre spared from this relentless task of finding happiness and dodging anguish Chane. I'm tempted by your beauty Chane to try saying cheap pick up lines but your continous silence is enough for me to feel rejected. A pretty doll with only skin deep features is enough to defeat my 2-D girl obsession. Loveless creature where were you prom night I felt myself sinking with the tide. Speaking of which, Chane before the end of our talk you will know who is single, unrequited, and lovey dovey. From having previous jobs here, leisure with friends, or escaping boredom I've gained experience on this subject. Chane I bet you've seen many people of the like looking upon them apathetically. The single people who enter the store walking around racks of clothes. "The deal is tempting and I would like it but I want to see if there are better offers. It's satisfactory by look and design, but I will not buy today someday soon" they say before leaving. The lovely dovey couple is so dramatic. Either returning to the place of their first encounter or just leisure time, the cupid atmosphere is unmistakable. Spending money he keeps his woman in flawless beauty and wardrobe seasons before the newest trend. No wonder his peers don't look at women in magazines when shes around, trying to compare them to her is foolish. With extraordinary strenght and fighting ability, potential threats better stay out of his sensory range. The ferocity of a lion going for the kill is kept in the black dots of his eyes, if provoked flows into his hands. When they hug he looks like a diamond snuggled in her arms. Him and I should never meet. Its as if he was insulting me with his fancy words and proper etiquette. Remember Chane to have sympathy for the unrequited. A burning desire like an internal instinct that occurs when the risk of becoming desensitized to love is high, they search for a companion. They explore the mall to find the person who is their destined lover. I spoke with an unrequited person before. He was very solitary yet determined. He said "Hello, sorry to disturb you but have you seen my chosen one?" Who might she be I asked, is lost in the mall somewhere? "No I'm just looking fro someone to love. I feel in my heart she is close but faraway as well. Almost like a sixth sense in which a faint wavelength is found. It may sound crazy but to me it means alot." I said, oneday the dust will form a body of calcium bones and silk for skin. Inside implant the organs crafted from your emotions that shine in neon colors. Give it luscious hair; radar as a heart; add a lisp to the lips, and a nametag on the wrist. When it is time she will find you and know her rightful place is by your side. Surely its possible with your enduring heart that yearns for a just cause. Perhaps I've learned something from all this. Chane will never love me but Seul does the best she can. Chane has never loved anyone but you keep my secrets and for that you are special. So I hugged Chane and said my goodbye. As I walked outside pass the womans store the beautiful doll lost its special name and into a mannequin it reverted. I met up later that day with Seul and talked deeply about our relationship. I also told her how I met someone named Chane and how the talk was very enlightening for me. She was very beautiful yet mysterious but I couldn't recall much else. A mixture of solitude and emptiness behind a mask. I never do want to live that way. Dressed in clothes a lifeless doll.

Are you Lonely in The Modern Age too?

"Tout Seul"

"To you, as you sail in my passenger seat" I dedicate these words to Seul as her dead eyes float in the empty waters of my soul. Faithful in everyway a quiet voice in my room as i rest. For how many years have we been together that I've laid beside you distanced from others. Closer than friends through my phases of life trying to understand everything I never felt alone as a pair of hands were my support. If I ever needed a friend, a talking companion, an audience for a solo concert, you were sitting in the front. Never has my anger in words or deeds harmed you Seul. We laugh at other couples fighting for prideful thoughts, their affection is thin and fragile like dying leaves. So easily plucked and moved it breaks and drifts away. The sun shines down through branches piercing the flawed lovers with needles dissolving past fond words.Walking together under cloud's close wing with my hands kept warm, such a firm presence you have Seul. I'm the roaring tide under moonlight's glare. I howl at night so that only you know its for you. Sweep the clouds away so that I can see your magnificent form. I raise my hand as Seul slides between fingers, wrapping around my arm as my lips become her target. When celebrating the wine is shaken too much spilling on the rug as its midnight treat spoiling the mood. Extra bread and coffee in the morning warm up the kitchen. I lean on the screen door waving to Seul as she eats on the green patch of lawn encircled by fresh sheets of snow. Seul were you person I wished for as I ate the cotton candy flavored snow as a child? So I look into her beautiful eyes and Seul stands inside my soul drifting aimlessly on the oceans."Seul,whats love? Ive lost the reason of rings to celebrate it if most people break them so easily? Sometimes I feel myself closer and faraway from this emotion to rise and fall, to uplift and submerge." Seul told me that "lovers have no meaning no fortune, nothing and we are more". So I'll believe that because I am lonely. This purgatory state filled with cream clouds is relaxing. I sleep dreaming of her french kiss for when I awake I'll be covered in feathers.

"Thinking Tone"

I wish I knew a song to make me feel...I don't exactly know but how it feels seeing someone after knowing them personally to exchange words as if talking with a stranger. The glass figurines upon the shelf will be cleaned off even though yesterday they were treasured pieces. When I see you I breeze by breathing deeply, air throwing my hair into a ponytail. Our breast don't touch, arms untangled, and fingers said goobye a long time ago. Falling out of love with each other as the clouds separate and our shadows are no longer touching. The world will turn and the skyscrapers will never touch the sky reaching on their toes to swirl their fingers in a cloud. Recurring themes and words are like dirty water circulating through your sewer. Is history really moving forward because I think its similar to cleaning clothes. Dirty clothes go into washing machines then to drying to be worn again. Wrestling in now dirty kisses washed away in my tears that dry on my sleeve to be played again with a new partner. If the words of my song doesn't make you forget about me then I hope the snow sends my letter thorn to shreds adding rain become wet kisses. I close my eyes and imagine what brought us together. So many excuses to say how I fell on the ground but 1 truth to never admit. How fast you were to walk with pride and anger away. I swear as fast as the lullaby began I heard instruments repeating an apocalyptic theme. I decorated the table in lavish dishes yet only eating a ration did they gather their coat to leave. However, the infinite rotating sun and moon continue with the weather that sometimes mimics the forecasts of the old days. Cherry blossoms will continue to fall with the want to bathe in them increasing as each petal descends. Snow as dead wishes falling on my tongue suffocating the sorrow. Rain threw the ceiling into a pot substitute the dry eyes when I wanted soo much to cry. I am fainting to the thoughts of fantasy and truth in my springtime of youth. So play "Stella by Moor" and as I walk into the bathroom I see you standing there smiling so strong. As i say "I would hate you so much that I want,yet I don't have use of anything with your name attached. So here is where the nostaglic beat ends." A hypnotic rhythm to induce amnesia to the heart is humanly possible right? If this was made into a musical masterpiece then possibly this question would not hint of being rhetorical or simply a seed washed away in a flood.

02:30am. Unknown girl, lonely me become We. The illusion of love grows strong under dim light

"the blue of day and night,

blue of overflowing waters,
a sadness with a frown and blue face.
A world dyed in many blues and
find myself in despair. always
my hope is tested."

"Spica"

Where it all started
when I first began
the 11 was being pointed
by the short hand

with my hands at rest
to say something in my mind
what is it congesting on your breast?
i'll spare a nights sleep and 8 hours time

For some reason I feel nocturnal and awake
maybe its the swirling colors above me.
Tell me how your fingers make
mine melt inside yours and a string around my pinky.

one day i'll have our picture in a frame
attach it to a rocket that will become a star
each day in entangled feelings we board a train
or clearly seen while driving home in your car

Stand still and see after the yellow light ceases to flow
in a field, walking without direction
the shards of a heart with a magnificent glow
returning to the sky a constellation

"Jikan"

Today will end shortly.
Tomorrow that waited will be Today.
Today as you knew it will pass away.
Days sure to come will be called "Today".

A countdown to a day destined to cross by.
Ending silently, starting slowly what's written on your calendar for Today?
A mundane description of Today that ceased.
Today shall end

Too fleeting and unproductive was Today.
Yesterday, what will be remembered as I move forward?
A book of Yesterdays attached to old notes.
How much has been accomplished, skipped, or vain?

Today has begun
Knowing that I drifted among the minutes
guided by the hand, theres work to be done
before the clock signals the ending credits

"Just One Minute"

Just like that
yea, keep singing
I loved the sound
Set aside your tsundere lips
I hear your emotions echoing
vibrating through your skull
that touches mine
Surely, I know these emotions are true
I remember fondly how I laughed
I don't want to forget this time so elegant
even now our backs touch
My lower back giving away under pressure
the film glitched and froze at the scene of
interlocked arms as we laughed at the idiot box
You said I failed you right?
No, we were just tossed together,
it was the chemical and emotional combination
that dazzling stimulus ignited
each time you were mentioned
Rest silently on my shoulders
The words we can't say out loud
are added to the hymm of your song

The Protagonist's epiphany was lacking...certain qualities

"A thousand thoughts, A torn love letter, courage, words for a prayer, wisdom spill through the cracks of my grip"

Do I belong here?

When the gerbera fall, I'll stand facing the sun. Against the steaming bench I'll stand still as vehicles passby. I pretend I'm much more flamboyantly dressed just like those great visual kei bands. I'm waiting for something, I'm not quite sure. The buses are nowhere to be found or driveby too fast. Perhaps I'm already there or the journey has no end. Slowly my head leans back and a ray of sunlight enters my eyes. Exhaling with frustration it feels like my body was slightly choked by carbon dioxide then released a few seconds later. A silhouette creeping from the park bench draws closer. Too unbalanced is my mind, weary of problems I try to label or recklessly solve. Slithering through the blades of grass reaching my shadow. A pair of small fingers that meet at the bottom of my chest. Arms placed around my hips. A faint body heat from my upper backbone and toes touching my ankles. With a skull on my shoulders, I smelt the aroma of fruits from hair laying on my neck. Without checking I could already sense it was you. It's unbecoming of me, but I'm scared to see your face. Not for fear of who you are but the insecurities inside me. You are important but my emotions register you as something more in a gap unfilled. Such tender hands each time I hold them we are placed in an impromt situation. I know the moonlight days are hazardous without your picture in my pocket, and after a glance I rest peacefully. This month the symptoms of this gap multiply and increasing loneliness. Not today does the fairy covered in candy and roses fly. Not today have any of my insecurities dissolved. I lower my head out of the sunlight and put my right hand on her hands. Not today have I forgotten the times we shared on the rivers edge. I hope that one of these many tomorrows I could find some answers. Someday seems so unreliable and inconsistent. I place my left hand on her head and feel soft strands of hair. Again today I still don't understand my life and all thats happened. Right now, I just want you to stay longer. Just as it is now, as we are here. Answers can wait until tomorrow. If it's waiting with you here that is.

Blushing about a Woman

im glad i spent with it you,
no matter how long
oh such a perfect day
if you just keep me looking on,
a warm distance looking at you.
i hope to draw the power for
my voice to become a flute,
fluently breathing a melody.
this place I don't snuggle into so easily
yet I fit into your over-shoulder glance.
cavity candy in my hand and a sweety in sight.
what percentage of the gummy snack will
stay after i chew? how much of your face will
you let me see before you leave?
oh, if I could just draw forth the strenght to
say hi just once to make this moment last.
when i think of you after sneaking a peep at you
i could see my thoughts swaying from above my head
few landing on my shoulders, in my open palm, and shirt.
descended gracefully like shreds of paper..
fondly i add these few memories with many
others alike. even so I feel that we were actors in
a timid love song. sheltered from the cold breeze,
to spend an afternoon shyly seated near this gorgeous woman
to grow from a quick glance into a fixated
gaze would make this day complete yet this was enough.
i feel less alone with each curious peek
we dont talk or anything else
she was so beautiful and it felt amazing
with each glimpse that met her eyes.

Transitions

When the sun is open for these hours I can't help but think that today could be the day of days. If lifes about learning from the past then its already accomplished after a goodnights sleep. Surely i was wrestling bed bugs for territory, my body has new bite marks.Like ants in search of food, people spread out in multiple directions without haste. Naturally I split in two and grow a siamese twin being dragged on the ground in a black outline. Traveling as a pair brothers sharing everything including a soul. "It's boring today", "i need new music on my playlist", and "if only I was less timid" phrases repeated in cliche events. The entity of time pushing my twin into an obtuse angle alerts the masses its almost time to return home. Impatient to go home the first to fade is the scenery of trees, grass, buildings. Squeezed out of their color as the quality of light recedes. The people on the bus huddled together lost their inherited hues and replaced with a color I could not describe. Is this the true skin of a human, our forgotten form? I reach my doorstep as the sun closes his eyes and the moon meiser takes the center stage in the celestial sky. My queen sized bed placed at the feet of a moon. "Stop your constant squirming!" said Moon Meiser, as clouds dispearse to expose constellations. Hearing my dislike of night the Moon Meiser began talking to me. "The reason why you hate the nightlife so much is because a spotlight is focused on yourself now that the sun has closed its eye. In daylight, attention is paid to fulfilling responsibilities and keeping your image. As the light outside your window scatters, the lit walls encase you under a magnifying lens. In an excessive release of Freudian slips, sealed urges become known and we are not so attractive in the dark. Don't hate the night keep your eyes upon me I shall hide them behind your eyes if you do this for me. That sparkle in your eyes tangled in confusion reminds me of a star drifting off course. The distance between dreams and reality spreads yet brought together by hope. The stardust that glitters inside of a breeze hides strenght you seek. Maybe if you could see it, you would understand and love yourself to grow into such a person."

Boku Kaishuu 4(Kono yume to omoi owaranai )

Sleepless

On this seventh floor veranda sitting between the rails I am waiting for the colors to change and a significant other to arrive. Wishes are easy to make and resemble simple thoughts. Thinking and believing in something imaginary is always a fun brain tease but actually constructing it produces the results of whether its realistic or fantasy. Gathered in this room are 5 friends sharing each others time. As morning is on the horizon 1 falls to sleep, then another. So after the lights are turned off and 2 more follow their example. Leaving 1 who is untouched by sleep. Captivated by moons light creating shadows and road lights that act as points on a map. The half shut blinds gave a weird effect that reflects both inside and out.Where I am is too far away its frustrating and I cannot capture a cloud. The outside is secretive as it hides my house from view and won't answer my questions that I'm asking. The wind can't sway my heart nor can it answer me.Yet my words are both invisible and powerful like the mighty breeze picking up leaves. So I'll whisper my prayers, hopes, and fears so that wind will carry them in a message unrolling my blue yarn into many threads flying across the night sky. Casting a web,I construct my yarn onto a fishing line attached with a bell and returned to rest. It feels easier to sleep here waiting on the veranda as im the last to sleep.

Iro

We become like colors,fascinated with each others hue, wanting to blend. Something like 2 colors on a stick. the first attracts what is common to us both. The second color is reverse of the other, testing if we can mix them both. I'm in love with how you shine and speak when your social with friends. My ability to enrapture an empty scenery is enticing to you. So drawn out would be twin auras with unmatching clothes right? What color will my heart be with our first meeting, me wanting to confess my love to you, and always thinking of you? My hearts color as it is now is being faded and lacking a new tone after each wash. May we become like kids playing with crayons as we brainstorm new pigments and mixes. Painting a picture together with you, will its appearance be the face our future? If we adore the picture then our trial and error was successful,and I'll be happy. Will it show the true tint of our hearts hidden in our bodies? If its attractive, then the eloquence of seasons spent with you will show before our eyes. The more time I have with you the more my heart bathes in yours becoming identical and my image in a mirror is replaced with yours. Its as if I'm complete with you and we are two halves of one color. As our colors intertwine from contrasting hues to mixing and painted will it be an image of love or tragedy?

Ai no Mayonaka

This bright place filled with changing neon lights and smiling faces isolated me as others dance without care. I'm looking for a young hopeful girl to share this dazzling night. I'm over crowded and walk aimlessly. In all this movement my heart catches a scent of a woman, locating her to my left. As I get closer, her perfume slows down time around us and the distance disappears between us. My colonge caresses her sweet scent and whispers to each other comparing our miserable lives.I spend my time with her, dancing closer evermore, the sizes to her body need not to be asked.Everything about her is radiant and without knowing I'm obsessed with discovering each inch. Our meeting must be hitsuzen, as for the feeling flowing through my body is arousal, for my heart I could not come to find. As if lost memories remembered in my body were found it acted consciously and instantly moved with her body. We leave the party, walking together we listen to a love song slowly play, unsure places of my heart are naming this lovely feeling. I'm feeling better and being with her was like she unintentionally cared for a heart that I threw away. An unloved person like me found her as if our lifes met in an abandoned detour.under a crystal moon we search for what our eyes cannot see. A breeze blows her hair in her face. I push back her hair to reveal her face and see a tear slidding down her cheek. My swollen heart opens up filling my chest with compassion,and I lick her tear leading back to her eye and kiss her lips. I pull her closer to whisper in her ear. I wish to end the pain and aimless life I've lived with you by my side, surely this meeting, this shared pain can bloom a true love for us both if only you are with me'.I face her and say "may the past of our lives end tonight and we discovering, learning, and loving each other become our future. I wish for you to become my cream-colored moon shining among purple clouds and blue skies and a garden adored in sunlight." Looking at her I ask her to be mine and hear her response. She answers saying:"My name is Lucia Shirayuki and yes I will".I embrace my beloved Lucia as my heart's fragments begin to repair and the overwhelming feeling starts and so does our future together.

XY loves XX

It runs in circles, night sleep to me becomes unattractive and I start searching for cute faces to melt my heart. My body doesn't ache but its sluggish as its positioned in a stiff chair. Ahh! its very bothersome. I'm becoming a murderer as dead fly's bodies are smeared across my computer. I'm left with the mind of trained assassin as my skills improve. The soft light slips through window blinds bit by bit. My shadow is shown making friends with imaginary objects. I start to believe you are with me, it makes my heart giggle"warau"and it tickles. But realizing its a lie my heart screams"kiri kiri",in my hands as I fall asleep. I reserved your place on my bed with my teddy bear keeping watch. Hes a fighter so its safe but will you inherit the pillow waiting for your head? The outside growls with a soft bark and wuff. My hand slowly appears before me. My first words are japanese as I sing looking at the sky through trees abstracting my view. I want to sing at your bedside when I do. I would hang outside a window and sing "Au Revoir" wearing wax wings playing my old piano. Or reverse and have you arrive like Wonderwoman as I sing "Brise", if that ever happend I would be too bashful to let out a sigh. But I would give you a great performance. I want to see your life through the words you speak like a movie was playing. Admiring the actions and roads of life you taken. Of course all of this is my overactive imagination damaged from not listening to your advice. Like that tree interfering with my sight, Branches stretched, connected to the main body, rooted into the ground spreading. Surely I can touch you and these multiplying thoughts are beloved, lovely, heartbreaking, painful,and saddening their many colors i want you to see. They will be known as the soundtrack of my crayon heart. Play this cd on your cd player and see the images acted out on the walls. Its now time to sleep as the sound of outside is overrun by engines and people talking. I'll hide my letters under your pillow guarded by my teddy bear, to absentmindedly believe your really by my side.